Trickles of Crimson

I feel it sometime after lunch - the panic surges through my veins along with the burning desire to scream. Bleed. Anything that will take my mind off of the internal turmoil that I hide so well.

I try to push the unsettling thoughts aside; this is a sound check, after all. I need to focus.

I suddenly feel a hand grip my shoulders in a warm embrace, and I jump in fright.

"Holy shit!" I exclaim as another pair of hands tickle my stomach from behind.

Chuckles can be heard close by my ears.

"That's what happens when you zone out during rehearsals, Ni-Ni. Ain't that right Hazza?"

"It sure is, Zaynie!"

Of course. I should've known.

I put on my oh-so happy mask and turn to face them. Giving away a slight chuckle, I casually pretend that I'm not that bothered, when - in reality - I am doing all I can to not wince. My recent red marks still sting too much from last night's breakdown.

"Why'd you do that for?!" I say, although I already know why.

Harry looks at me through a layer of curls as he sighs dramatically. He fixes the strands of hair on the loose and rolls his eyes. "I told you - we have a show in a few days, which means work and only work! We don't need any distractions - not now. Got it, Nialler?"

I can't help but feeling a little bit guilty. I am fully aware of the fact that they are only joking, but something in the pit of my stomach tells me that he's implying something. What if they really are annoyed with me? Then they must surely not want me here if that's the case.

But, as the self-entitled actor I am, attempt to hide any signs of hesitation. I just do what I do best. Lie.

"I'm sorry, okay? I haven't been sleeping well lately and I'm just...fucking exhausted. Don't worry."

Zayn looks at me with his chocolate colored orbs, almost as if to say, 'are you sure that's why you're acting like this?' and crosses his arms over his toned, muscular chest.

When he doesn't actually say anything in return, I pull a toothy fake-smile just to make sure he fully understands how "happy" I am.

"Seriously. Don't worry about it."

"Don't worry about what?" I hear Louis ask from the other end of the stage.

Please, not you, too.

Before I get the chance to answer, he's walked over to us and put his hand on my shoulder.

"Oh, Niall here is just a little bit tired, that's all," Harry says. At least he seems to be buying it more than Zayn.

"Didn't you get enough sleep last night?" Lou asks curiously.

I feel their eyes burning holes through mine, as intensely they're staring at me.

Geez. If they freak out like this over a little "lost sleep", I wonder how they would react if they ever found out about the...truly dark parts of my mind.

"Ey, Mister Carrot, it's rude to stare!" I say to lighten the mood - and to change the subject.

Louis gasps and whispers, "I won't forget this, Leprechaun!" He then shoves his fist into the air and rushes around the stage, finally sitting down on top of one of the guitar amps that are used as props for the performance. "Supermaaaaan!!" can be heard after him.

I turn back to the other two boys and say, "Let's do this, shall we?"

Not bothering to register their response, I sit down on a guitar amp, myself, and avoid any possible gazes.