𝘼𝙛𝙛𝙖𝙞𝙧-𝑧.𝑑.𝑗

𝟰

They kissed...but does it end there? Will she ever tell him the truth? Will she ever tell her future husband that she cheated on him and with his friend? She doesn't even know how she feels about the kiss...actually no, she knows she liked it. She just doesn't know why she doesn't feel as guilty as she should.

Vanesa (12/20/19)
It's been six days, six days since Zabdiel and I kissed for the first time. We saw each other a not long after and kissed...again. Alejandro came back from his business trip three days after Zabdiel's and I's first kiss. I didn't tell him what happen nor did I act as if anything happened.

It's been hard trying to hide Alejandro from Zabdiel and Zabdiel from Alejandro. When I'm with one of them the other is calling. My ring finger is also tired of me taking off and putting a ring back on it. I'm surprised neither of them has even noticed.

I can't believe I'm even saying this but I really like Zabdiel. He just brings so much more into my life. He brings feelings and emotions I've never felt with Alejandro.

Alejandro wasn't my first boyfriend, will if middle school relationships count, but he was pretty much my first everything else. He was my first kiss, my first time, my first long term relationship, I think I've made my point. Alejandro is all I've known for four years.

But then came Zabdiel, Zabdiel made me feel things that I still can't explain. The first time we held hands it felt like lighting was going through our fingers. It felt nice, it felt magical even. His lips brought me feelings in places other than my lips. His lips made my stomach feel like there were knots being made inside of it. But the weirdest thing of all, he made me feel important and wanted. He listens to me, he doesn't pretend to he actually listens. He's made me laugh more than anyone has ever in just a few days. He also likes singing to me, something I didn't think I would notice so fast. Everything is just different with him. A nice different.

The worst thing is that somehow they both have power over me. Alejandro has my firsts and is just comfort. He's all I've known, but that's where Zabdiel comes in. He's new and makes me feel free. He makes me feel new things I've never felt before, things that I can't even explain.

I wish they didn't make me feel this way but over all I wish I could tell the truth. But I'm scared, I'm scared of the outcome. I'm scared that I will end up alone, without either of them.

Things are even worst considering I still have a wedding to plan. Knowing I'm almost seven months away from my own wedding makes me feel even worst. We've already spent money and time on planning it. Not only that but all of our closest friends and family know, they know about our wedding. Zabdiel just happen to not fall under either category.

Thinking about what my family would end up thinking about me makes me want to cry. Would they ever forgive? Would they ever understand? Knowing they like Alejandro doesn't help either.

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Vanesa (12/23/20)
Christmas Eve is tomorrow and I just experienced the downfall of cheating on your partner. You'd think all the sneaking around would be the worst part but nope.

Zabdiel asked me to have dinner at his place for Christmas but I told him I had other plans. He then proceeded to tell me that he was hosting Christmas at his house with his friends and family and he would love it if I went.

A few days ago Alejandro asked me if it was okay if we spent Christmas at a friends house. He never told me what friend it was but he mentioned that I knew pretty much everyone that was going to be there. Since my family was going to Spain for the holidays I said yes. Big mistake.

I ended up telling Zabdiel that there was a possibility that I could go but I would be going with Alejandro.

At least I didn't lie about that.

He asked my why and I told him we had plans of spending Christmas together since both of our families were leaving for the holidays, which wasn't a complete lie. He responded by telling me that it was great since he had already invited Alejandro, but he didn't understand why Alejandro never mentioned coming with me.

Knowing Alejandro he probably thinks I told Zabdiel we're engaged. Do I blame him? No, it's my fault for cheating on him.

I then realized Zabdiel would have to find out at this party, I had to find a way to tell him somehow. I also had to find a way to end it. Even if I didn't want to.

Knowing I would tell Zabdiel the truth made me want to throw up. What if he tells Alejandro? What if he never forgives me? And if he does tell Alejandro, will he forgive me? Will he still want to marry me? I doubt that.

So many things are running through my mind and all I can do is blame myself. Blame my self for never clearing things up with Zabdiel and telling him lies, blame myself for cheating on Alejandro when he clearly doesn't deserve it, but most importantly, I blame myself for not feeling as bad as I should.

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and that's four, i can't sleep and i was bored so finished up this chapter🤷‍♀️, hope you guys liked it🤍