warm honey ▸ poetry

74 forced handprints

[ trigger warning. ]
no author on duty,
read at your own risk.

staring UP
just returned home
((unhappily, might i add))
from my first year at university

i was fresh
broke off my stupid-mistake of a relationship
with another toxic boy
never truly loved me
but the sex had been better than most

analyzing:::error

blank space
no
bed frame
upper bunk
the room was dark
it was night time
your brother was
sleeping
snoring
above us
family guy was playing
ever so quietly
in the background
bright like the sun

i said no the day before
when we were making the plans on Snapchat

i said no over the phone
when you asked what time i'd be over
twice
just to make myself clear

i said no in your garage
when you sat me on the leather chair
and cracked me a cold one
while we laughed and caught up

bud light.
it was ALWAYS
bud,fucking,light

staring UP

you kissed me
pulled me closer
stopping every so often
just to be sure your brother hadn't woken
before you'd start again

tired

"can i try something"
was your code for
"i'm putting my hand down your pants"

i said no again
five times
maybe more
no no nO NO NO!!!!!

pouty baby
whiny baby
baby always has to get his way

i said sure
weak
not any farther though

"can i"

more pointless begging
& pleading
& coercion
& guilt-tripping
& flat out manipulation

you took off my pants

i said yes
not a yes i wanted to say
not a yes i should have said
just,,,
yes*

*meaning if it'll shut you the fuck up.animal.

i felt lifeless
limp
like i couldn't do anything
and afterwards i just...
i don't really know
i shook it off i guess

i remember leaving in somewhat of a hurry
more upset you didn't respect me
more upset you didn't listen to my wishes
than anything else

but then again
i didn't realize what your
forced handprints
really were
..........other than super bad sex

so i stayed around
at least for another month
kept that deep in the files of my subconscious

until i started banging your brother
haha

we never spoke again
immediately blacklisted

(sarcastic)damn!

it was a good riddance
well,at first ithoughtso?

fast forward one (or so) years

i finally told my friends
only 6 people know your name
a few others know what you did to me
therapy helps

today i drove by your house on accident

it's still so hard for me
to correlate a moment so bad
with a place, a person that
at a certain point
was safe
fun
good
to me

it's still so hard for me to be mad
like i feel i should be

i buried my story for so long
not considering it an assault
because it wasn't in a dark alley
it wasn't a masked man
it wasn't at gun point/knife point
it was my best-friend
in his bedroom

how could someone i loved so fucking dearly
double back and do something so shitty to me
no remorse
headempty
heartempty

and now you're out running around
big bad military
BLOND BRAT
no worries
"saving" the country     (laughs in liberal)
probably still doing it for all i know
because:

"i'm really good at convincing girls to fuck me"

those words are imprinted on my brain
and yeah,
your "brother" might've laughed
when i told him you said that
when i told him what happened

BUT
THERE'S ALWAYS A BUT

riddle me this one baby
does your daddy know he raised a r*pist?