Corona VS Love

Dr. Brian Benjamen's POV

5 March, 2020 9:56 PM
A Patient named Margret was sitting in front of me.
"Is there a vaccine, Dr?"
"Scientists are working on that right now, Margret but as I had mentioned before, you will be perfectly fine." By that I had to excuse myself.
I couldn't tell her that vaccine takes at least 6 months to be released and with the mutations in genes of the virus, it was even harder plus Margret's condition was mild, no real concern for her.
I myself-as pulmonologist- was going through a severe depression every day, I couldn't risk seeing my family and friends.
Every person died under my supervision weeks ago made the nightmares worse every night.
I was on my way to William Alexander, another patient of mine, He was a 29 year-old diabetic type 1 patient.
I knocked on the door, "come in." William said.
I entered carefully, offering him my delicate relaxing smile he was used to, "How are you today, Will?" I asked him, his medical report was laying on my hand.
"I think I'm okay, my breath is okay." He said.
His report was indicating that everything was fine, normal temperature, Good blood glucose level.
I started to measure his respiratory rate without him noticing, it was fine as well.
"Good, Good! I think you're doing just great."
"When will I be able to leave, Brian?"
His eyes were begging for a reliable good answer. Despite his age, he had the qualities of old responsible sensible Man unlike most people in his age.
"I think we could go through another CT and see the results."
"That would be great, Doctor."
"Brian, please" I said automatically, "I hope you get back to your life and family sooner, will." Putting on the best comforting smile I could ever pull.
~~~~
The next and last patient for today was the hardest, I left him till the end so he would be awake by then from the sedative, a patient with CAD (Coronary artery disease).
His medical report wasn't the greatest one, he was put on the ventilator the moment he set foot in this hospital, his condition was severe, the virus had already taken over his lungs and caused 50% fibrosis of them.
All the antibiotics, antiviral drugs taken IV were useless and didn't improve his health.

Being a doctor is blessing and bad thing at the same time, you have to give both good and bad news to the patients and prepare them for the worse, yet it is hard to give them the bad news and to prevent the patient's shock or collapse on hearing it.
You get attached to the patients' life and suddenly..Boom... they are dead.

My footsteps were heavier as I got nearer to the room, my heartbeats were higher than normal, putting my pro face on and controlling my mindset.
I hated that part of the job.
The closer I got, the more I remembered my family and what they might endure if I were infected and died or worse... I'd get them infected.
I erased the thought when I was at the door, I closed my eyes, letting a sigh go. I knocked and didn't wait for an answer.
I opened the door, counting every step I made and steadied my unstable heartbeat.
'You can do it' I thought to myself.
I looked at the man lying there on the bed, a 67 year-old Danielle Carter was still sedative, totally paralyzed.
He had been on the ventilation machine for about two weeks and there was a little improvement in his condition. Sedation would be removed within minutes and he would be awake.
I sat on a chair across the room, waiting..
Minutes passed and he started to open his eyes.
"How are you, Danielle?" My voice was as cheerful as I could, my wide smile was on.
Danielle nodded, His grey hair was everywhere, exposing parts of his head.
"We will have to separate you from the ventilator, because if we left it longer than that, it would ruin your vocal cords." I said, keeping it together.
"We will try many other methods as well."  I added.
"Your health has been improved." I lied, "they are coming now to remove it but don't worry, you'll be just find." I lied again, at least for the last part, patting his shoulder and smiling softly at him.
His face was expressionless but he said, " I need to see my son, plea-please."
"I don't know if it's possible. Danielle."
"Please." His voice was weak, his eyes were staring at mine and his hand softly rested on mine.
His muscles were still partially paralyzed. The need in his eyes said it all.
He felt that I was lying.
He felt like he was dying.
"Tomorrow..please." He said. He reminded me of my father for a second.
"I'll see what I could do."
~~~~~~~~
I left as soon as I could, mental pain was taking over my chest.
I went directly to the Doctor's lounge, removing all the equipment and the suit that were suffocating me and looked at my reflection on the mirror of the bathroom. The Mask and face shield left deep marks on my face, which looked like wrinkles, making me look older, my face was filled with red scars as well.
My black whitish hair was wet from all the sweating and by that I went to take a warm bath, brainwashing all the actions of today. However I failed at stopping the thoughts from eating me alive.
That old man only wished for one thing, seeing his son, I thought.
After finishing the bath, my wife, Sandra called me on the phone.
"Honey, How are you?" She said softly.
"Hi, sweetheart."
"Oh! What's wrong with your voice? What happened?" She said, worry was taking over her voice.
"You know, working all day! Just tired, that's all." I didn't lie, I just told her half of the truth.
"Okay.." she wasn't satisfied with my answer, she knew something was not right and not just because I was working all day, "Are you coming home soon?" She asked me, nervously.
"Sandra!! We've talked about this before." I sighed, relaxing my heavy head on my arm.
"I know, I know." She stuttered, "but you've been gone too long, almost a month, Brian!"
"Sandra! I'm not going through this again. I'm not coming, okay?! At least for now."
She didn't respond, only sensing her loud breath.
"Sandra, are you still there?"
"Yeah, yeah!" Her voice was broken now, I knew she was crying.
"Sandra, baby!" I said softly, emotionally drained, "I need you to understand, okay?! I know it's hard, damn, I miss you and I miss Alice so much.
All I need from you is to be understandable and patient, please?"
"Okay, Brian.. I'll try my best."
Then she added, "how are you truly? Whatever you're keeping it to yourself, you can tell me."
Her words softened me piece by piece.
Sandra was the only one, who knew how to make me talk when all I wanted was to be silent.
"Well! It's the condition of patient I supervise."
"And?"
"I may not be able to help him anymore."
"Do you mean he's dyin'?"
"And I can't do anything about it."
I interrupted her before speaking, "the worst part is that I couldn't tell him the truth and he knew I was lying." My eyes were wet now.
"Brian! Shhh," she soothed me as if she were hugging me right now, "it's not your fault, it's no one's fault, it's what it is."
"I know."
"Why did you break down this time, Brian? I mean you've seen so many people dying and I know it's horrible but why now?!"
"That man reminded me of my father, Sandra! He reminded me that death is very near.. That I might di-" I stuttered and she stopped me from completing the word. "Baby! Please! Oh my god! I wish I was there with you now to hug you.
"Brian, please pretend that I'm hugging you right now?"
"You want me to visualize?!" I asked her and we both cracked up at her weird request.
she said when we had finished laughing, "we'll get through this together, okay? I know you'd be able to stand up and do what must be done."
I said nothing to that.
"I believe in you, Brian! That's why I love you so much, you are the strongest man I know, yet you have the kindest heart."
"I love you, Sandra!"
Sandra appears as tough person from outside but when one figures out how to understand her and make her trust them, she opens up and becomes the most sensitive and supportive person I know.
That's why she's my wife of all the other women.
"Not more than I do," then she added, "and I want you to come back for me and Alice, promise me?"
"I promise."
"And I really miss you" she said, then another voice came into the phone, "No! I miss him more than you do!" Alice's voice was distant yet it was full of childish anger and annoyance.
"Hey, daddy! I miss you more than mommy do." Her voice was no longer distant, I laughed and smiled widely.
"Hello, princess! I miss you too, tons and tons." My voice was cheerful than before.
"Don't leave us, Daddy!" Her innocent soft voice was moving something inside me, it made me almost cry too.
Her voice was what I needed right now. Her voice urged me into doing what had to be done.
"I won't, princess!"
"Will you give me your mommy?" I added.
"Sure" seconds passed and Sandra's voice was back on the line again.
"I know what I have to do now, honey"
~~~~~~~~~~
Next day, I had the intention of calling Danielle's son to tell him about his father's case and see if he wanted to see him. It wasn't the ideal choice but we could arrange something for such a meeting between the two.
His son, Malcolm answered my phone call and I told him about the situation of his father and that his last wish was to see him.
The only thing I could care about from that call was his response about his father's wish, "Father and I weren't on good terms. I couldn't take the risk of getting infected, I have a family to care about." I didn't argue with him, it wasn't my place to say anything anyway.
That response hurt me so hard to my core and I felt pity for that old man.
~~~~~~~~
On the same day, I was on my way to Danielle's room, remembering his disappointed sad face without shedding one tear when I had told him about Malcolm's response.
That man's face was hard and his heart was broken because his son wasn't loyal to him and didn't care about him either.
And that also hurt me hard.
_______________________
7.March.2020 8:53 AM
Next morning, nurse alerted me that Danielle Edward Carter -Aka, one of my patients-had died at 3AM in the morning.
My heart was broken for the man that reminded me of my father, yet my face was hard and my reflection on the mirror was as cold as his son's heart.