Unthinkable

Chapter 18~ A Better Day

A/N
This chapter is dedicated to GhoulGirl2468 because she's amazing and her stories have encouraged me to keep writing. I love her to death!
_____________________________________________________________________

He tells me it's okay. We'll try again and then be more careful. He'll keep close watch over me and take off work till the baby is born. He says we'll find some other way to make money for nine months. He says we'll do it to have a family. A family is all he wants.

He says it was a mistake. A small mishap. He repeatedly reminds me how close we were. That he's sure we'll get it right this time. He promises to do anything and everything for the baby and I. He lies saying it wasn't my fault. That I shouldn't feel bad. And that we shouldn't give up.

I hear this over and over for a month. And my mom left a week ago so I don't have her here to give me advice on what I should say. I could call her, but she hardly picks up so I know it's useless.

Today I get up early and hunt a while. I need air, space to think. Gale had been worse than a child lately with his pleading and I had no space to organize my thoughts. It's a stupid idea though because I only end up weeping in the arms of itchy tree branches high up in the air.

It is the same tree that I fell out of straight to the death of my two children. Willow and Rye. This realization only makes me sob harder. I find myself clawing at the branches, releasing my anger onto them as if it was the tree's fault and not my own foolish act's. It's when I see the blood and deep splinters that I realize just how insane I've truly become.

When I get home, steaming hot coffee is set out on the table for me. Smoke rises from the cup, drifting high into the air, the smell of vanilla wafting into my nose. It wasn't the first time I came home from early hunting or woke up to this same pleasure since my miscarriage. I'm smart enough to know why he is doing this. It's so that I will give into his pleads of trying to have a baby again. And as much as I appreciate it, I won't fall into the trap.

Today, he has made it extra special. Placed next to the coffee is a bowl of sugar cubes and a note tucked underneath. I pop a sugar cube into my mouth, tearing up at the memory of the moment Finnick had asked,

"Want a sugar cube?"

in the sexiest voice imaginable. I remember clearly the disdain I had for him from the start and the admiration for him I ended up with. Since the moment he saved Peeta's life -my one friend in the arena- and I discovered Finnick's true story with Annie and all, he became the person who was closest to me. And maybe that's the thing I regret the most. Proceeding to climb that ladder as the mutts finished him off.

Then I take out the note. It's folded up about six times into a small square and when I unfold it, it consists of just four words.

'I love you Catnip'

Since Gale's off work, I know he must be upstairs. Refusing to except this bribery, I spill the contents of coffee in the cup into the sink. It's not like I need or want it anyway. Outside, the spring air is rather warm except for a slight breeze and so I don't need a hot drink to warm my insides. I watch the light brown liquid spill down the drain before tossing the cup in there as well so it can sit there till it is washed. I then proceed to rip the simple note into two and throw it away along with all the sugar cubes except for one which I pop in my mouth. I suck on it until it dissolves on my tongue leaving nothing but the sweet taste to linger there.

I slip off my boots leaving my feet bare and cold when exposed to my freezing house temperature. I swear it feels like it's thirty degrees so I decide to kick the heat up a bit and throw on my jacket which hangs by the door. I then lazily drag my feet upstairs. The higher I get the louder the sound of sobs grows. I burst into Gale and I's bedroom to see a weeping Gale. His feet dangle off the side of our bed. His head is in his hands while his elbows rest on his lap. I had tried to be mad that he was clearly trying to bribe me since I'd let it go the past times he did, but that's impossible now. I'm reminded that it's my fault for the miscarriage, not his. And he can't help that he still wants a family. So I sigh, crossing the room to sit next to Gale awkwardly, not really sure what to do from here.