What we become

22. Summer's almost gone

Jess left after Thailand. She said her adventure was up and she had to go back home to work and save money for next year. She was planning on studying fashion at university and I think that suited her perfectly. But I couldn't help but feel like a part of her was falling for Niall and she didn't want this life- my life- for herself.

She begged me to go home with her, but I declined. I couldn't just leave Harry. Before she left, I promised her I would talk to him about how I was feeling. But then the rest of July slipped away, and half of August and I still hadn't opened up to Harry. When we were together, the world was perfect; amazing. Then when we weren't together, I was horribly alone again.

I promised myself I would spend the next three months in America figuring out what I really wanted out of life. If I wasn't happier, I would enrol in university and I would stay in Australia and part ways with Harry when the tour ended there, just before my nineteenth birthday.

I was starting to think about enrolling in dietetics. I was becoming more interested in nutrition and was slowly putting on a bit more weight. I was starting to look like my normal, healthier self. Instead of running to pass the time and to deal with the pressure from the media, I purchased my own camera to take photos with. I didn't want to use Harry's anymore. For the first time in a long time, I didn't mind my own company anymore, not when I had a purpose for wandering the streets; capturing moments of happiness and immersing myself within the culture throughout Eastern Asia.

Tonight, there was a show in Japan and one final interview before the band would fly to America for close to three months. After that, the tour would move onto its final leg in Australia. Harry and I planned to stay behind for one extra day to watch The Temper Trap perform in Osaka. Harry had argued with Paul, his manager, to make this happen. Paul begrudgingly agreed, but he made it clear that he wasn't happy about it. Harry made it clear that it was non-negotiable. I felt like I was causing more trouble than it was worth, but Harry hugged me and told me he wanted to do this for us.

As I watched Harry perform that night, I couldn't stop thinking about how he was born for this life. He was a natural performer, more alive in the spotlight than anywhere else. Was this really what I wanted for myself; to always be watching from the wings? To be waiting around in hotel rooms, forever alone? I thought back to my conversation with mum, when I had first told her I was moving to London. She had been worried for me. I thought she was worried because she didn't believe Harry and I would work; that he would inevitably break my heart. But now I understood, she had seen this coming; a life of emptiness and loneliness for me.

After the concert, I told Harry I was tired and went straight home to bed. The next day, I watched the interview from the hotel room as I packed for Osaka.

There seemed to be a common theme with every interview; the hosts and interviewers generally targeted Harry for questions. They badgered him to divulge intimate details about his life. I wondered if it was because of his mystery and the fact he didn't give away as much as the other boys, or maybe because he had dated famous pop singers and Victoria's Secret models. But it seemed to be more than that. His fame seemed to be surpassing the other boys since Zayn had left the band, something he felt quite uncomfortable with, forever the selfless team player that he was. Women shamelessly flirted with him while on the job, even some men did. No-one was immune to Harry Styles.

Today was no exception, as the host asked the boys what they looked for in a girl. She motioned to Harry to go first.

"So, what is your type?" she asked. "Blonde haired beautiful girls?"

Harry played coy, like he usually did, and he skirted around the question. "Just someone who is fun, you know? Someone nice."

"Is your girlfriend nice? Or is she your fiancé now? I've heard rumours of an engagement."