What we become

21. On the road again

The absence of Zayn didn't seem to have a dramatic effect on the bands performance on stage, nor on the committed fan base. They sold out more stadiums than ever before, performing a week of consecutive nights at the sold-out O2 stadium in London to kick off their tour.

Jess joined me for the first few months of the tour as we travelled the UK, Europe and Asia. She started hooking up with Niall on the side, which made her giddy and happy and he even more goofy and confident. They were a nice couple, not that they would ever call themselves that. They were very casual about it, a stark compassion to the intensity Harry and I had shared right from the beginning of our relationship.

Harry and the boys seemed more relaxed again, and although they were busy, I felt like Harry and I were finally back on track after almost two long months of wondering if he still loved me, still wanted me. Part of me always remembered the eventful night of Australia Day and I couldn't fight the feeling that things had shifted after that. Like some perfect image of who I was shattered for Harry and he saw me differently. Or maybe that was all in my head.

Jess and I went to every single one of the boys shows. During the days, we would try to explore the new cities as much as possible. Harry joined us whenever his busy schedule allowed, and Niall too. I often took Harry's camera along to capture as many moments as possible when he couldn't join us. After his shows, we would go through the photos and he would listen with enthusiasm as I told him about my adventures.

We spent three days in Paris, and I explored on my own as Jess was feeling unwell and Harry was exhausted. I finally understood what Jake had meant. There were homeless people everywhere and it was quite dirty. Funny how I hadn't realised that before. I had only seen perfection and romance when I was with Harry. But through the lens of a camera, when I was all alone, I could suddenly see it differently.

It felt like a lot of our time in Asia was spent sipping cocktails by the pool or relaxing in the sun at the beach. My tan was gradually coming back and I was starting to feel more like myself again, with Jess around to keep me company.

"You have really changed," Jess said to me one day as we relaxed on a beach in Thailand, our wet salty hair drying in the sun. I don't think she meant it as a compliment.

"What do you mean?" I asked, afraid of what she would say. Could she tell I wasn't truly happy anymore? Could tell that I had lost all confidence and constantly questioned if I was good enough to be with someone like Harry? I tried to laugh, to keep the mood light, but it sounded forced, even to my ears.

"You just seem different. Quieter, I guess, like you have gone into this shell of yourself. I only see the real you when Harry is around."

I glanced up at Harry, splashing around with the other boys in the water. He looked happy and relaxed, enjoying a rare day off to soak up the warm sunshine. He was beautiful. He was perfect.

"Plus, you're way too skinny," she added, poking my ribs. Well, that was true.

"It's the tour I think." I tried to move myself around to a position where my ribs didn't stand out so harshly.

"You were already too skinny when I joined you back in April."

"It's probably the running too," I suggested, squirming uncomfortably under her prying gaze.

She was quiet for a moment and I knew she wasn't done. Jess never let any opinion go unheard, any question left unanswered.

"Are you happy, Ella?" she finally asked.

I glanced back towards Harry.

"No, don't do that." She said, harshly. Her tone pulled my gaze back to her.

"Don't do what?"

"I asked if you were happy, not him."

I looked into her dark brown eyes. They were searching mine and I knew I couldn't lie to her. I shrugged lightly, then slowly and sadly shook my head.

"I am, and at the same time, I'm not... if that makes sense," I finally confessed, and she took my hand gently in hers.

Harry looked up and smiled and waved at us, and I smiled back, then Niall tackled him in the water and I turned away, a tear slipping down my face.

"I feel this constant pressure, like I have to be perfect all the time. Like whatever I do, I'm being watched and constantly judged." But it felt like more than that. It felt like the world wanted me to fail. Like the world knew Harry was too good for me and it was only a matter of time before he figured it out too.

She nodded, sympathetically and I continued.

"I feel like I'm defined as 'Harry's girlfriend' now, you know? Like it's my full-time job and it's all I'll ever be. Meanwhile, the band always gets priority and I think that's the way it will always be. I mean, it's his career so I totally understand that and I support him in that, always. But there's just no balance." 

I missed the carefree days when Harry wanted to spend every second with me. Since Zayn left, the band had to pull together more now than ever. The boys carried the haunting words of thousands who had said 'One Direction would only ever work with all five boys'. They had even said this themselves many times before, knowing they each made a piece of the puzzle and it would be incomplete without any of them. But now was truly make or break, and the boys had to work harder than ever to show the world they were still whole, even with one piece missing.

I kept thinking to myself, this is why Zayn left. He couldn't deal with the pressure of it. The expectation, the paparazzi, the lack of sleep and privacy, the intense work schedule. Maybe if Harry were out on his own, like Zayn, he might get more say over his schedule. But Harry wanted One Direction to stay together for years to come, more than anyone else did. So for the foreseeable future, this is the way it had to be.

I felt more tears slip down my face. "Honestly Jess, I was really lonely before you joined me. It's a lonely life. I really thought I would spend this year travelling and exploring Europe with Harry."

She pulled me in for a hug and I couldn't stop crying as she held me tight.

"I run to pass time, I'm usually stuck cooped up in a hotel room, alone, too afraid to go out for fear of embarrassing myself harming Harry's reputation. I didn't know this is what I would become; some love struck, homesick lonely girl following a boy around like a lost little puppy. I want more than this out of life. I deserve more."

"Come home with me," she said without letting go. "Come to uni with me, we can live together. It will be so much fun! You and me, El, together again like old times."

Leave him? I could never! I spent most of my time fearing he would leave me.

"I can't just leave him," I said as I pulled away from her.

"You can't stay. Not if it's stealing your identity and making you so unhappy."

"But I can't win either way," I looked up at Harry again. He was flicking the water out of his hair and coming out of the water.

"I'll be miserable, Jess. I've never known a love like this before. I won't ever find that kind of connection again. I think it would literally kill me to walk away from him. I can't live without him."

"Ella, you have lived without him before, and quite happily might I add." Jess said with a gentle firmness to her tone.

Then she sighed and rolled her eyes. "And they call me the dramatic one!"