Et tú, Clarissa?

Chapter twenty-seven

Present Day (England, Britain)

It had become quiet. Everything around us is like consumed by it all. I look up at him again and inhale deeply. He deserves to know, I know that, even though I am terrified for what he will think of me, he deserves an explanation. But I can't. I can't give it to him.

"Look, Zac. There is a lot happening right now and I hardly know who I am. And because of this, I do not see it appropriate, or practical, that... You know. All of this. It is too much. I cannot think straight when you are around and we do not know each other."

"And we never will if you keep pulling away."

My words fail me, but just as I gathered my thoughts, I see how he raises his gaze to someone behind me. He straightens his back and before I have time to turn around to see who it is, I hear a familiar voice.

"Detective, nice to see you here." Officer Larence smiles at me, but I feel that it's not completely genuine. "I thought you was back in London by now. Since the case is close there is."

"Oh, so you succeeded to close it?" I reply despite the gaze I get in the back from Zac that generates a pain through my chest.

"Yes. Your theory seemed to hold water, after all. Thank you."

I force a smile to a 'you're welcome', but the feeling of betray I sense from Zac makes it impossible to give her a genuine smile.

"And I thought you could shed some light over a similar mystery, detective." before I even have time to answer her, she continues as confident as ever. "I looked you up."

"Clary what is she talking about?" Zac asks, but I do not answer him, unable to take my eyes of Officer Larence.

"You are much older than you look, aren't you? You have the highest close rate in the whole Metropolitain. No one had even come close to the close rate you have, since the 1950s and your record is point free. I called DI Peterson. A 15 -years-long career, yet no one has seen you for five years and suddenly, you end up here, with Firefighter Grey. How old are you exactly, and how come you end up here?"

"Have anyone ever told you that it is rude to ask a woman about her age?" I answer and I cannot help the mixture of irritation and mischief in my voice, but continue soon with a voice striped of emotions. "And how I ended up here with Mr. Grey, is certainly no concern of yours."

"So, your visit was not because of the explosion as you stated."

"I have to politely correct you, officer. I have not stated anything of the sort. It was you who draw that conclusion on your own if I remember correctly. I only answered your question about what I thought about the case."

She only looks at me for quite some time with that gaze they always get, before I sigh.

"I am sorry to disappoint you, officer, but I cannot help you."

"What? You don't have any secrets?"

"I have plenty. Everyone has, but mine will not help you achieve anything. And the fact that I do not remember them makes it all a bit harder, does it not?"

Her gaze shifts to Zac and I can literally sense his confusion. I shift my weight and fingering at my necklace. Suddenly I remember the file. My file. In the secret compartment in the filing cabinet down in the basement of the hospital. If someone gets their hands on that file, they will find out who, or rather what I am. My gaze travel from the officer to Zac and back.

I have to retrieve it before anyone else finds it.

I force a smile.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have places to be. People to avoid." I look between the two of them, before I find myself at words again. "Good-day."

I hurry away from them to make a portal to the hospital, but before I am on a safe distant, I hear the officer sigh.

"That's the girl you want to give up Grace for? Have you lost your mind? Please reconsider."

A sudden lump of pain appears in my chest and I caress my hair smoothly up into a bun. I flick my wrist and open up a portal, but suddenly I hear how Zac hurries after me. A lonely tear makes its way down my cheek as I close my eyes and walk through the portal before he catches up with me.

As the portal closes, the pain in my chest grow worse and I have to lean against the wall for some seconds before I am able to regain my breath. My gaze shoot aimlessly around the room and I try to swallow the tears building up in my throat. My hands are shaking merciless and I try to get them under control as I lock my hands between my arms and body. And my head spins, making me dizzy.

How am I going to make this? It's too much!

The gaze Zac gave me is the only thing I can see. The disappointment, the betrayal, the sadness.

But it's all for the best, is it not?

It takes sometime before I walk over to the cabinet, but the second I lay eyes on it, I see that it is something wrong. Someone has been here. I hurry to open the secret hatch, but as I do, I see that it is completely empty. As I curse in low voice, I slam my fist in the cabinet.

How could I be so stupid?

I portal myself up to the ally above the cellar and run my hand through my hair once again.

I can't believe it! What am I supposed to do now? I have to get my memory back!

The cold air outside burst past me and as I feel the chills crawling down my spine, I realise that it is not because of the cold the skin along my back is gathered in goosebumps. I feel the soul tearing eyes through my clothes, to my bones, but I keep placing one foot in front of the other in a steady beat like nothing has happened. As I turn my head slightly, I see a silhouette of a woman in the corner of my eye and the same exact silhouette appears time after time through my head. All memories from different places in different years throughout my life. Suddenly I get cool inside, but just as I turn around to face her, she is gone. And more importantly, the feeling slowly fades, but it is still there as a tingling in my spine. I look around, but I cannot see anyone. Some garbage lies along the walls next to an over filled dumpster and the graffiti on one of the walls reminds me of the man who followed me here last time. The brick wall on each side of me suddenly seems to come closer. Everything seems to try to reach for me, try to lock me in and I feel that heaviness inside of me, pulling me down towards the ground. I look up towards the blue sky and try to breath. As the air fills my lungs again, I close my eyes to calm down.

Keep it together, Clarissa. You have survived worse ... I think? I persuade myself and feel my heart rate stabilise.

Just as I have calmed down, I hear a voice just a few feet to my right.

"Look who we have here. Isn't it the alluring mystery herself?"

I look over towards the familiar voice to lay eyes on a beautiful woman in a tight white dress under a designer jacket and her brown hair laying down over her bosom like corkscrews in the end. The big sunglasses cover most of her face, but I would know that face anywhere. Just as I am about to take to words, she beats me to it.

"So, this is the thanks you get after keeping a fellow woman alive? Her trying to steal your boyfriend?" Grace removes her sunglasses and look at me with her hazel eyes, reminding me all too well about a certain someone in one of my diffuse memories. "Classy move, blondie. Real classy."

I did not get a good feeling of Grace the first time we met, but this was not something I expected.

"I am terribly sorry if you felt that way." I try, but as I review her statement once again, I find one part of it far too intriguing to let go. "What do you mean by keeping me alive? Zac were the one who brought me to the hospital."

"I am well aware now, but do you think they give out healthcare for free to people that turn up out of the blue?" I am just about to ask why she would cover the expenses for my healthcare when she continues. "What I want to know is what you are doing at an active crime scene."

I look around and see that the obstruction tape is far behind me, but you can still see the blue and white colours of the tape.

"Nothing, I am not even at the crime scene."

"Oh, so you're not looking for this?" she asks with badly played innocence across her face as she shows me a file.

My file.