I was at work the next day, feeling good knowing that it was almost the weekend and I would finally be able to hang out with my best friend after her sickness. Eating my lunch, my phone vibrated to let me know I had a text. I saw Jeffrey's name on the screen and I freaked out at the thought that he was probably supposed to be my boyfriend or that we were supposed to be what... a couple? It all freaked me out. The other day while I was in his bed everything felt just perfect, like I was ready for it all. Now I was insanely scared.
''Fuck'' I whispered to myself. I wasn't ready for anything, it wasn't time to get back to the old me.
I never replied to Jeffrey's text telling me to have a good day at work. At home I played music at the highest volume and made dinner as I sang as loud as I could, trying hard to stop thinking about him or anything else but my food. Still, I heard my phone ringing and I freaked out even more when I saw it was Jeffrey. Nope, continue singing, continue cutting the onion, continue ignoring him.
There was no way I could be a girlfriend, someone's love again. Was he even into me that much? Was I into him that much? I went back to his place the other day, we had sex. I used to have sex with Rob too and we weren't in love. Was I imagining it all?
I stood and listened to my ringtone and waited for it to stop. Fuck, I couldn't be Jeffrey's. There was no way I was ready.
Tonight was the first time I ate dinner without my phone, laptop or TV. I just sat there, ate and thought about everything. I had to do something, get out of there, so after eating I grabbed my phone and called Maria.
''Hazel, hey. You alright?'' she asked immediately, knowing I never called late.
''I'm fine'' I lied. ''I was wondering if I could take the day off tomorrow since we don't have a lot to do'' I hadn't taken a day off in a very long time. ''I need to do something''.
''Yes, of course. You're my rock at work, but I can manage tomorrow by myself. Are you sure you're ok?'' she sounded worried and I was thankful that I had people in my life who cared about me.
''Thank you'' I sighed relieved. ''Yes, I'm fine, don't worry. I just need a day off, that's all'' I gave in to a fake smile, only to convince myself I was fine. I wasn't. ''I'll see you on Monday, yeah?''.
''Alright honey, see you next week. Take care and let me know if you need anything'' I was sure she wasn't convinced I was fine.
''Thank you, see you'' I said before I hung up.
Immediately after that I called Tay, who was always free on Fridays. Lucky bitch.
''Wassup?'' she answered.
''You up for a roadtrip tomorrow?''.
''Hell yeah'' she yelled, no questions asked. ''But you work tomorrow''.
''I took the day off''.
''Where are we going?''.
''Just...nowhere. Let's just drive and see where it takes us''. I needed it.
''Are you...alright? Are you with Jeffrey right now?''. She was the only one who knew about the other day, but she didn't know how I felt today.
"No, I'm not".
We agreed to meet at 10, go grab snacks and drive.
*
Jeffrey hadn't called any more. I felt relieved, yet I felt the need to hear him. Was I a piece of shit for ignoring him?
Tay and I drove for a good three hours before we found a place with a small lake, crystal clear blue water and flowers all around. Lucky we had our bathing clothes with us.
Letting my body float on the warm water I closed my eyes and images of him started flooding my mind; his lips on mine, his touch, his scent. No. No, no, no.
"Hazel, what's wrong with you? I can tell something's up" Tay looked at me with worry in her eyes.
"I'm fine".
"No the fuck you're not. I've known you my whole life, you're not fine. What's up?".
"I'm not fucking ready for a relationship, alright? I'm a weak piece of shit and I won't ever be ready to be someone's girlfriend" I yelled, thankful that there wasn't anyone around. Taylor looked at me in shock.
"But you and Jeffrey...You told me things went great, you had sex with him". I nodded but didn't say anything. "Hazel did you do something stupid?".
"I haven't answered his calls or texts".
"Jesus, why? What's wrong with you? I thought you liked him. You haven't talked to him at all after that day?".
"No".
"I care about you like crazy, but I feel so bad for Jeffrey. He is probably so confused and hurt?! Why would you do that when you said with your own mouth that you liked him?". My best friend was angry at me and she had all the rights to be.
"I can't do it. There's nothing good about relationships".
"Yes there is. Hazel, he likes you. Don't lose this guy, you need each other". She shook her head in disbelief. "You know what, I'm kinda sure that you've already lost him. He probably thinks you just used him". I was crying by now. "Do you miss your ex?". She refused to say his name because she hated him with all she had.
"What? Are you kidding me? No I don't. Why would you even think that?".
"Because of the way you're acting".
I was going to throw up. Why would I miss the guy who broke me? I didn't. I missed Jeffrey.
"Fuck everything, I don't do relationships. I'm done".
