Eating Disorder. [NH AU] III

» 07.

 it's kinda sad how they won't let me have any visitors, though why would anyone visit me anyway? after my confessions to the people closest to me, they must think i'm a freak and hate me. they don't want to see me again. i don't mind, i rather not see their judgmental and disappointed looks at me. not what i need right now. i need support, camhs is giving me the support i need.

camhs is basically just short for, 'child adolescence mental health services', and i'm in the main camhs hospital surrounded by 101 different teenagers all completely lost the plot like me. however, i'm in the apparent eating disorder unit and i'm with absolutely beautiful skinny people. they make me looks so insecure. i feel obese compared to their skin and bone. i have my first 'group' session today though. its where everyone shares their 'story' and we all talk inspirational. all i can think about is evelyn though. she's all i ever think about anyway. i just hope she really doesn't hate me.

"horan, niall." oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. i'm gonna die, i'm freaking out, oh my god, oh my god. "niall would you like to stand up and tell us all about yourself?" no fucking thank you doctor, i hate your guts because your the reason i'm admitted to this place'; aka doctor jepson.

i rise to my feet mainly because everyone is staring at me and making me feel hella awkward right now. i clear my throat and grip onto the bottom of my long jumper's sleeves which i do a lot when i'm nervous. now or never.

"uh, yeah hi. as you probably already know, i'm niall horan. erm, i'm from the republic of ireland, but was brought up in new york hence the weird accent. um, i came to london because i was given a trial week at this elite boy sport boarding school. i threw that opportunity down the toilet as well as my vomit everyday. yeah, i know what i'm doing isn't good, hell yeah it may be really bad. but at the end of the day, i am who i am. i like what i do, and if i'm not comfortable with the way i look then i should be allowed to change it without anyone freaking out. that being said, i have no freaking idea why i'm here." i take a big sigh of relief when it's over. everyone looks at me with mouths hanging open in an 'o' shape, then suddenly there is a mass of applause heard. gosh.

but it didn't last long, two doctors end up taking me away.

+++

"ew get your hands off me!" i screeched, trying with all my might to get the incredibly built two doctors to stop handling me with no care. i don't even know what i've done wrong?

"listen here kid, these people you're with, they want to hear positive words of recovery. not that what they're doing to themselves is okay. if they continue, they're gonna die. then it'll continue because people will think it's okay and healthy to destroy themselves this way. it's most defiantly not. i hope you're clever enough to realise that." one doctor narrows his eyes at me whilst the other holds me down just in case i try to make a runner. but where would i even run to? gosh. it's my sixth night here, it's still like a maze to me.

"okay, you're the boss. not that it wasn't you yesterday saying that the world is already so overcrowded so we should get rid of some people." i raised an eyebrow at him and his cheeks heat in embarrassment. yeah busted mate. what an idiot?

i hate hypocrites especially person trainers that say that you're getting better, that you actually have a chance of getting to that ideal image in your head. but you won't because you're too god damn fat to do anything. but you know what?

fuck em all.


++


i sat alone in my ward that i was supposed to be sharing with two other people. i was meaning to be sociable with them, make friends, but i don't know how long they have left here before they get discharged. i don't want to make friends, make that effort, then have them be normal again and leave me. i rather be alone.

instead of obeying my doctor's orders of staying put in the ward until my 'wardmates' come back, i did the opposite and decided to explore. not once did i ever think of myself being in a place like this, but when i think of the word 'mental hospital', i think of a prison like building where everyone literally is crazy. it's not. it's in sections where people with similar 'problems' are together. they say that talking is the best step to recovering, so putting people with similar conditions is clever. wow. okay then.

on my walk about i stumbled upon someone that i didn't actually feel like i would hate. maybe because he was familiar.
luke always told me to hate him because he used to beat luke all the time in every sport. in a way, the guy did deserve credit for beating someone as confident but borderline cocky, like luke.

"hi liam." i give him a small wave and perch down next to him on a bench in the 'quiet area'. it's where people who need a space to relax, and de stress can come. liam had his head in his hands currently, so i didn't understand how i even recognised him.

he looks up and then narrows his eyebrows at me, "hi. blondie." awks. i didn't think he would know my name either, i'm not as popular as him. he is very well known because of his mind blowing almost impossible to believe audition. if someone said that they could hold their breathe underwater for three minutes i'd laugh in their face for three whole minutes. but i watched the audition back, everyone did. it was true. nothing was fixed.
he was and is ever so talented.

now how the hell did he get here?

"i'm surprised to see you here, you're so into your sports. i didn't think you'd ever leave that school." i converse with him but he didn't seem to be in a fit state to talk to me. he seemed really angry; i wonder if he has anger problems. is that why he's here?

"i didn't chose this, i was forced. that school is my everything, all i've ever been working for since i was a kid. it's all gone now." he mutters, running a hand through his messy non quiffed brown hair. i hear him let out an exasperated sigh now, so awkward.

"may i ask why you're here? if you think i'm being annoying, just let me know. i'm just glad to see someone i know." i was too bubbly for him, i could tell i was slowly pissing him off. oops.

he takes his time to reply, slowly. cautiously almost. i feel quite nervous, i don't want to leave him. i feel quite desperate.

"you're not annoying, i've just had a really long few days. i was diagnosed with a condition called schizophrenia just two days ago. i want to go back to the school, but they won't release me. say i'm unstable. but you know what? fuck them. fuck those little bitches for putting me here! that cow, miss doctor popper can go suck a cactus!" liam angrily slammed his fists down against the bench and i try hard not to flinch but, i do anyway.

"i'm sorry to hear that-"

"-why are you here blondie?" he questions me abruptly.

"um, diagnosed with bulimia, an eating disorder. i've er, found out i'm also anorexic.." liam scoffs now and rolls his eyes.

"i could've guessed that, i mean look at you. you're skin and bones! don't know how you even got onto the free week trial in the first place. you look useless." he had no filter on his mouth but i can't judge him because he is angry for being here. so i bite my tongue from stopping any rude remarks coming back at him.

and blink the tears away.

+

when going back to my ward, thankfully nobody entered for another five minutes so i was safe. i kept repeating liam's words in my head though.

'you're skin and bones, you're useless.' surely, i'm not. i mean all i see in the mirror is fat that needs to go. i've learnt from that elite school that you should burn off more calories then you put on. but what do i do when i don't eat? do i not do exercise? i was always so afraid to ask the teachers about that, just in case they sussed me out.

i don't know what to do with my life anymore. i've lost a lot. i've scared my own mother away, she won't call me. my dad and brother are disappointed in me, they wanted me to be sporty like them. and most importantly, evelyn. i've lost her for good.

i decided to sneak my phone out and see if she missed me.

i had no miss calls or no unread messages. you know that sucks.

that fucking hurts like a bitch.

i've been in here for so long, and i've not got a single message from anyone. no one cares.

gosh.

but i decided to text evelyn anyway, because that's what my heart wants. her. always.

"dear eve, i miss you. -NH."

she didn't reply, but i didn't expect her to. instead i turn my phone off, throw it across the room and lie back down on my bed. i stare at the ceiling and wait for something to change in my life.

it feels like a century goes by, but suddenly my phone lets off some sharp loud rings.

and it's evelyn's ringtone.


[i love this story, but its ending like all the stories in the sadness series:(]