Eating Disorder. [NH AU] III

» 10.

[I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING NO, I DIDNT FORGOT IVE JUST BEEN SO BUSY REVISING ILYSM FOR BEING SO PATIENT]

 "hi, dr horan." i turn around to face my next patient with a genuine smile on my face that tried to spread happiness and joy around the room- an aura.

"hello riley. how are you feeling today?" never in a millions years did i think i would ever ask that repeating questions that dr jepson had always asked me during our therapy sessions. i didn't realise how hard it would be to how a conversation without asking that question. i had the urge to find dr jepson's phone number and apologise to her.

"i don't feel good, sir. i feel so low all the time as if i'm fat, and i constantly have these horrible evil thoughts echoing my mind and bringing me down." i nod my head in response, my teeth wrapping around the tip of my favourite black pen, a habit way that i do to comfort me. this young boy reminded me of a young me, back when i was once fifteen myself. back when i thought there was no way i could ever get better, that i would forever be a pessimistic loser.

that wasn't true though. of course not, because now at the age of twenty-six i have everything i've ever wanted and more. i have a successful career in something i enjoy, above the average pay rise, a great house with the mortgage all payed off and a wonderful, beautiful wife.

"riley, how long have these intrusive thoughts been occurring in your mind?" i lean back in my seat and watch everything about the young boy in front of me. whilst doing my psychology degree, i've learnt that body language can often be quite obviously changed when one is trying to hide things. i had received awards for my work in body language. i am a very observant person as i know that i wish people were like that around me, back when i was younger. if that had happened, maybe i would've received help and got better more quickly. it's done now. you can't change the past.

"it's been for about a month but not as strong as for these two weeks." riley tells me without a flicker of lies in his eyes.

i nod my head in respond, and jot this down in the notebook on my lap. i do this with every patient i have, it's so i can get a broader knowledge of them so i can help, "riley, you've done the hardest part right now and that's talking to me. i'm proud that you've been nothing but honest with me, it's the only way i can help you. you will get better, it's certain however you just have to keep it in mind that it won't be a quick fix, you can't instantly get better. that's not how this works, but slowly you'll find the thoughts will  eventually vanish. be patient-"

"-how can you be so sure?" riley looks at me confused, not because he was accusing me of being a fake or anything, it was because he was curious as to how i can be so confident.

"i've dealt with a lot of cases just like yours, riley. they've all had the same positive result. it just requires time and a little will power, after all it's mind over matter. you are the one who is in control of your mind-"

"-but i'm always so scared! i fear my thoughts, they're so real!" his grey eyes were welling up with dampness and his hands cup around them and then he presses his palms against his face. sobs were the dominant noise in my counselling room now. i give him a few seconds to let it all out before i talk again.

"danger is something that's real, but fear isn't. it's merely a choice. i can help you break that choice of fear, i won't stop until it's all over for you and you're smiling genuinely when you walk through that door. that's what my goal is." i tell him with the most sincere amount of honesty in my words. he looks up at me, tears staining his ivory coloured cheeks and his red puffy eyes hold worry as they meet my own blue ones, "i solemnly promise you riley."

and that's something i never break.

+++

it was quite chilly the day i got discharged from the hospital, back when i was fifteen going onto sixteen. i remember i clung onto my mother when she greeted me, holding on for a bit longer then i should've but it didn't really matter. i was excited to be going home and to be with my family once again. i felt like i had somehow gone back in time and brought the niall that died two years ago, back. my last session with dr jepson was quite emotional, in the terms that i could walk away and have this burning desire to ask 101 questions about her job. it was also quite emotional that i couldn't really get as many answers as i wouldn't see her again, because i would (hopefully) never get 'bad' again. i remembered how i felt about her when we first met and how i showed nothing but hatred towards her. i didn't want anyone to know how 'bad' i was, and she was the only one that helped me. she led me through recovery.

she saved my life.

i remember her aroma of fresh mint as we shake hands and then i pull her into a goodbye hug. i knew it would be the last time seeing her, so what if i'm showing the softer side to me?

"you're a good kid, niall. you're gonna make it." she pats my shoulder and the hazel eyes of her that holds so much wisdom, now also holds almost sadness at the idea of me leaving here.

next i meet with tyler ross, my once enemy, now friend. the only friend i had actually made. he was inspired by me to actually make a difference to himself, he wanted to get better because of me and i feel incredibly proud. i like helping people, it makes me feel so good about myself.

"and so it's your last day." tyler says to me when i greet him. i nod my head and he sighs, "more like last few hours, but it's okay. i'm gonna miss you yanno?"

i smirk lightly, "of course you will. i've practically changed your life."

he doesn't argue with me, "i really, really am going to miss you. not only are you my best friend, you're the only person on earth that i've ever warmed up to this much. it's crazy. i didn't think i could ever trust anyone as much as i could with you, but wow. this proved something else. i don't know what to do without you, niall. i would be dead without you." i didn't realise that i would be hearing that quote so many times when i become later a successful psychologist. of course i wouldn't know, it just foreshadowed the future.

"i'm only just a phone call away." i tell him, but we both know in our hearts that the chances of us meeting again were so slim. tyler ross was american, and he would be flying back to dallas straight after he's finally discharged. he got moved to london because it had the best help, the best support system and because his parents wanted him away as far as possible. it was almost like teyler was a burden on them. a sin. it was sad because i used to think my parents thought that way about me all the time too.

it was never true though.

++

after i was discharged, after all the tears and emotional goodbyes i was engulfed with love and affection from each member of my family. my mother was the first one, as you already know, and she was also the one who took the longest. her small chubby, wrinkly arms wrapped around my long torso and i heard her sobbing hysterically into my chest. she hadn't seen me in over two weeks, she had always had this close bond with greg and i. even when(if) we get married, we'd have to come to visit once a week without a doubt. she's very clingy but at that moment of time i really couldn't care less.

next was greg and he had this glimmer of something in his bright blue eyes that made me wonder if he missed me more then his body actions were showing. the fact he had greeted me with a strong pat on the back and a grin saying "well done ni." i know he wants to say much more to me but his man pride gets in the way. that's funny though.

my father shakes my hand for some odd reason which causes my mother to roll her eyes, before he brings me into a bone crushing hug. when we part i see the tears that are welling up in his eyes, but he holds them back well, "we're really proud of you buddy. honestly."

my mother nods her head in agreement to this comment, "most definitely! you showed strength to over power this, we love you so much." and i knew they did. i could tell they did.

it felt nice to be missed.

as soon as i had arrived home, i head straight to my bedroom which i had only been in twice before going to the elite sport boarding school. it doesn't give me the sense of comfort or happiness, it just makes me feel content. i lie back in the double sized bed and stare at the blank pale blue coloured ceiling. the bed felt so much better then the ones in the ward back at the hospital, they really hurt my back. i shut my eyes and try to reminisce some good moments from there; there wasn't much. i remember tyler and how he hated me, before idolising me. i remember how liam payne was horrible to me, and didn't even remember my name. i also try ad remember where he had even gone? i hadn't seen him again after the first time we met there. i wonder if he had got discharged..

i was enjoying the peaceful silence of being solitude in this bedroom, until the annoying marimba ringtone blasts from my trouser pocket. i groan before digging into the deep pocket to yank it out and answer it.

"niall horan speaking." i sigh.

"bro, you're sounding even better then before! heard you finally got discharged! congrats, bet you're so happy to be back home. i know that's all you've wanted." all i've ever wanted, luke hemmings, is to be happy with myself. i've wanted to look in the mirror and not hate everything i see. my home doesn't provide that, nor does any school. i needed to find a way to train my brain to deal with these thoughts. and i have.

"thanks luke. i'm glad to be home. how's the boarding school?" now it's luke's turn to let out a sigh.

"urgh, it's messed up man. liam snobby ass payne is back for some reason but his dad is talking to the dean right now. rumours has it he's pretty peed off that liam didn't get a place in. " wow, so liam's back there? he got discharged then, obviously.

"how's everyone else; justin?"

"yeah, no. don't really talk to anyone. besides he's with that xavier kid all the time, it's like they're joint together at the hip. i rather be a lone wolf then risk social suicide by hanging out with them both." that was illogical. how can being alone be better then hanging out with two people? sometimes i don't understand why i was friends with such a heartless person.

"right okay. anything else?"

"nope not really. we should meet up sometime. be fun- oh wait!! there were rumours that the dean's daughter was messing around with one of the students here, the deans doing a proper search. it's major news. no-one is even owning up, he's fuming!" my heart thumps hard against my chest. though i know i'm safe, i won't ever go back to that school. the dean can never find me, or kill me- like he threatened to do.

"oh wow, th-that's crazy."

"i know right? i've never seen his daughter but i heard she's smoking hot. devon says that she was such a good fuck when he was with her, back when she was so desperate for him to stay with her. people like that are annoying!-" i hung up at this point. i didn't like the name devon because of the way he had treated evelyn when i saw them break up. eve was my friend and i wouldn't let anyone say anything bad about her. not to me ever.

i don't know if these feelings for her are expanding or just staying protective like a sister to me.

i hope it's more.

+

and it was more.

"look who's home! it's daddy! say hi to daddy, shane." i crouch down on my knees to where my little toddler son was waddling up to me with a big grin on his face. his eyes were brown like his mothers but his skin was pale because of the irish inheritance he has inside him, "dada!" he giggles when he greets me with a hug, wrapping his chubby arms around my neck. his brown hair was messy, maybe due to just waking up from a nap.

"hey buddy, how are you doing? did you and mummy have fun today?" i ask little almost two year old shane who hadn't grasped the idea of speaking yet but was gradually getting there. i was so glad that his mother was so supportive to spend all her time helping him.

"mama!" shane says, looking over to his beautiful mother who grins at him and waves. he copies her too before turning back to me, "mama there!"

"yeah i know, bud. what have you been doing today? playing with your toys?" he shakes his head.

"drawing!" he grins at me now, and i smile back fondly, scooping him up into my arms and ruffle his light brown hair; he takes that from me not his mother who has dark hair, not light hair. however you can't see the natural colour of my hair due to it being bleached. i know i should stop, but i can't. it's a habit now.

"dada i miss you."

"i missed you too buddy." i walk over to his mother who also happens to be my wife, best friend and once a stranger to me.
"and i also missed you."

"aw, of course you did. you have to or my dad will kill you." evelyn smirks at me and presses her lips briefly on my own, not long enough for shane to do his random fake vomiting noises but long enough to feel her warmth.

"well i don't blame him, he's never liked me since i dropped out of his school." i shrug and look over to shane who copies.

evelyn throws her head back laughing at this statement, "that's funny because it's true. he has learnt to tolerate you though, ni." she reassures me, not that i need it though.

i knew i loved evelyn with all my heart and i wasn't going to ever hurt her like devon had done. i didn't need anyones opinion on my love for her or her love for me; their opinions were irrelevant. they had no effect on my life whatsoever. i had a job that meant i was good at dealing with people's mental health and i know for a fact that my father in law was a control freak who was so overprotective because he was scared to lose his daughter to the wrong person and too soon. he didn't like me when i first went round to meet eve's parents. it could've been a better date if i hadn't got so nervous i stank up their toilet with diarrhoea. oops my bad?

but he slowly warmed up to me as he saw how happy evelyn was with me. and happiness is what makes the world go around. positive thinking was the way people should live with. it'll change their lifestyle completely and it'll be for all the right reasons. that's the best bit.

i just wish i knew that sooner.

[AW HOW CUTE WHAT. yeah im sorry about the constant backwards and forwards of this chapter. it's just the way i had the ending planned! comment & vote please]