NA YUTA 。feelings

▎ twenty-six

WARNING: contains a scene with vomiting.

-

After the conversation at the hospital. Mother insisted that I go home for now. Other than the fact that the interaction today broke her heart,

she really wanted some time alone and I understood that part. I need some time to think as well because I'm emotionally tired.

I plopped on my bed and squeezed my pillow. I reached my lamp and turned it off before deciding to turn it on again.

On, off, on, off and on.

I played with the switch for as long as I wanted and I finally stopped.

'Don't make the same mistakes we did'

That could be the last advice he could give me for all I know. Maybe after the hospital incident, he'd leave Seoul and never face me again.

The thought made my stomach churn and I sighed. I went downstairs to check if there was any food in the fridge.

Much to my dissatisfaction, there were only bottles of water and a load of cucumber for my daily snack. I don't really have proper meals in the house because of my diet and mother is rarely home so its understandable why this is halfway empty.

I checked the cupboard and found a few pack of ramen. Somehow, ramen reminds me of Yuta because of Johnny's party. If I didn't run away that night, I would've eaten something to get my stomach full.

Yuta's words still echoed in my mind. I can forgive him for what he said. But forgetting is harder than forgiving.

I disregarded the processed meal. I strolled to the fridge to get a bottle of water and placed it in the island counter.

"Ramen won't do. I don't feel like eating it" I said.

I grabbed my phone and started ordering variety of food.

"Pizza sounds good. Oh! and ice cream cake. Plus, cheese tteokbokki and pajeon." I tapped all the buttons from the online deliver. The whole idea made me energetic.

No one can stop me from eating all of these. And no one will judge me!

I ended up ordering a literal food buffet. Seon mi would flip if she knew I got to eat chocolate!

I licked my lips and started to dig in, scooping the contents to my mouth with a spoon. I picked a spoonful of a chocolate ice cream and a slice of pizza. I ate everything at once.

I even played some songs to put a good mood around the house. I never had the chance to eat as many food as this. Wait, let me rephrase that. I never got to eat this type of food ever since I started ballet. But now, I feel like I'm in heaven.

"I forgot how you tasted already" I grinned, looking at the set of fast food in front of me.

I made an airplane gesture with my hands, releasing funny sound effects before welcoming it to my mouth. I greeted a fork of spaghetti with a train sound saying choo! choo! like a little kid.

For a while, it made me smile and I was having fun. I was shortly contented with the feast.

I finished all food and the wrappers was already thrown to the trash bin. I sighed happily.

But that was where everything went wrong. Because I just realized I've commited a sin and crossed a line.

My pupils dilated. I ate too much.

I quickly ran to the bathroom and opened the door before slamming it shut and locking it.

I lurched forward and sunk to my knees on the floor. I made sure that no one was around before trying to force the bile up my mouth with the use of my finger.

I forced it once again, seeing there was no signs of throwing up.

You should've controlled yourself. You know better than to do stress eating!

I punched my chest and tears started flowing up my eyes.

I ate too much. I should never eat again. I deserve to starve. I need to gain my normal weight back!

Desperate to spew the food out. I choked myself while repeatingly hitting my chest.

Soon, chunks of partially digested pizza spewed out of my coughing mouth. My stomach kept on contracting violently. My face was pale and full of dripping substance, sweat and tears. The bad smell invaded my nostrils and I exhaled sharply.

I rested my head in the cold walls of the bathroom. I closed my eyes as tears trickled some more.

I can't eat again. never.

~

After forcing all the food out of my body. I immediately went to my room like nothing happened.

I stepped on the weighing scale and frustratingly jumped on my bed when the results never exceed my expectation.

I looked at the ceiling and tried to go to dreamland. But I couldn't. I tossed and turned around my bed and tried to count sheeps. Its childish but it used to work when I was a kid.

I really need sleep. This has been going on for days and probably weeks.

I hesitantly looked at my cabinet and remembered that inside was an important information that would really help me right now.

I grabbed the piece of paper with a number written on it.

"There's this dealer. He sell very strong sleeping pills. Its very effective." One of my friends used to say. I recall declining her offer considering I rarely have sleeping problems.

But now, I could really use those medicine. I need to have a good night sleep in order to get better performance, whether at school or at my ballet academy.

I dialed his number and we negotiated about the deal. After the call, I made sure to delete his number in case mother finds out. I patiently waited for the delivery to arrive and when it did, I swiftly seized it in my hand and gulped it in one go.

Time grew late as it went by and I then all I saw was black.

I just fell asleep.

Thanks for reading🍁