Finger Painting

Chapter 18: June 15th, 2015

Lotus Blood - Age 17

I'd been ignoring Blaine.

Since I kicked him out of my room two days ago, I hadn't spoken or seen him; that didn't mean Blaine hadn't tried to call me or asked if he could come to see me. I knew my window was unlocked but I also knew Blaine respected my privacy and wouldn't jump through if my curtains were closed.

The smell of a dead body was starting to get to me, so I lifted myself off the blood-stained hardwood floor of my bedroom and dragged my feet to the kitchen. Making a pot of coffee, I spied the time on the microwave.

1:17 a.m.

Perfect.

The machine beeped that my drink was done, and I clutched the mug in my hands as I slowly sipped the warm beverage. Coffee was a staple in these late-night burials, I needed all the energy I could get, and most of the time the frigid rain had wet the mud so I was always cold whilst digging.

Finishing my coffee and trudging to the garage, I grabbed a shovel and cut across the kitchen - the cold of the tiles seeped through my socks and I dodged the puddles of water from the ice I'd spilled earlier. The shovel wasn't too heavy but it was a good size to dig a big enough hole for my brother's inconveniently large frame. The soft sounds of the rain dripping off of the edges of the roof slowed as I unlocked the backdoor and stepped onto the dry wooden porch.

Drip.

"Five thousand two hundred and twenty-one."

The aftereffects of the rain put me at ease, and I removed my socks, throwing them on the porch so I could step in the pleasantly wet grass with just my bare feet. There wasn't much wind but the occasional breeze caught my hair and swished the thin strands around and I relished in the cool air.

Drip.

"Five thousand two hundred and twenty-two."

Before starting to dig Nathan's grave, I sprinkled more grass seeds over the others that lined the very back edge of the yard and were, more or less, hidden under the bushes. The wet grass made it easier to plunge the blade into the semi-wet dirt, and I made sure to shovel all the dirt into one pile so it would be easier to cover Nathan afterward.

After I dragged Eva and Christian out of the bedroom and out the unlocked back door while the party raged in the living area, I took the liberty of burying them next to each other. I'm not sure if Christian would've wanted to be anywhere near her if he knew that she was cheating on him - then again he's dead, so what difference does it make?

Drip.

"Five thousand two hundred and twenty-three."

After two hours of digging, I was satisfied with the depth of the grave and made sure that it was an even area of dirt. The rain had mostly dried up the grass and the water previously dripping off the roof had stopped completely - which left me in eerie silence at three in the morning.

Idly walking back inside, I wandered into the basement and dragged Nathan's body up the stairs and across the kitchen tiles. The feeling of his dead flesh against my hands made me recoil and I used all my energy to run him through to the backyard as quickly as possible.

Murderer.

I know.

His body easily fell into the somewhat shallow grave, and I used my shovel to slowly push the large pile of dirt over Nathan and pack it down. Once the grave was evenly covered, I lugged the bag of grass seeds near the grave and tossed large amounts of them onto the upturned dirt.

I'm not sorry.

I'm not sorry.

I'm not sorry.

I'm not sorry I did this.

Staring directly up at the sky, I murmured my secrets to the moon, "I'm not sorry I killed them." I sank to the grassy floor and tilted my head to the right, "Is it bad I feel calm? Should I feel guilty instead?" The moon didn't respond - it only stared back at me with its white glow and I rose to my feet when the warmth of the summer air got to me.

I'm not sorry.

The smooth sound of my bare feet against the slick grass were the only sounds resonating in the eerie night, apart from the chirping of the cicadas. Sweating, I found the kitchen tiles were colder than the air wrapping around my body - I'll just lay here, I pulled off my hoodie and sprawled across the kitchen floor in my sports bra.

I have to tell someone.

"Blaine." I lifted myself off the floor and reached my phone on the countertop, "Blaine, please, come here." I croaked - not even recognizing my own voice as I hung up and dropped the phone, curling into a ball on the floor.

You have to tell him what you did.

You have to.

"Hey, hey, baby, what happened?" I looked up to find Blaine's concerned face and messy hair staring me down, his brow was creased and I let him gather me between his legs. "It's alright, I'm here." Clinging to his chest, I buried my head in his shoulder and let the tears soak my face and his skin while his fingers played with the malleable flesh of my lower back.

"You can't sleep?"

"I don't sleep, Blaine," I whispered, "my mind has the capability of being dark... and..." I paused, "demented." Suddenly, I needed the closeness of Blaine's body - I needed his hot skin pressed up against my cold body, I needed his warmth and safety because once he knew what I had done, I wouldn't have him anymore.

"You're afraid of your dreams?" He finally said, tracing the ridges of my spine and kissing my temple.

I'm afraid of myself.

My memories.

"Yes." I lied, tears choking my throat, and instead of feeling the pain, I inhaled Blaine's intoxicating scent to forget everything. Everything. Forget everything and fall into bliss because I would never feel a moment like this one ever again, "and sleep doesn't help if it's your soul that's tired."

"Please don't leave me, Blaine."

"Never." His short nails grazed my collarbone and my eyes fluttered shut, bathing in the feeling. "I love you, Lotus." My mind was in a different place, all of my problems seemed to disappear and the only thing that mattered was Blaine.

"I - I love you too."

You can never tell him.

Or the only wall left will come crashing down.

The only feeling of safety will become a mere memory.

You can never tell him.

Your sanity counts on it.

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I made a graph and I'm quite proud

Princess Chi Chi is my discord thing lmao anyways enjoy.