Quinn's Chronicles

The Lady and The Sea

Yes, I want to be by the sea. I want to be able to venture out across the oceans and have adventures of the soul. I want to be by the forests and land where I can be at peace. I want to be in a place where every single person I can relate to in some way. I want to be able to look out at the stars. I want to practice magic and be as loud as I want without prying eyes. I desire to be away from the people of the city who care not but their mundane occupations. I care not for their religious practices but for the traditional spiritual practices that tie into the lifetimes lived on this Earth. To simply be as I please, do as I please, when as I please. Isn't that what freedom is about? Isn't that what everyone here is trying to achieve?

After I get to this destination, what will become of me? What kind of a person will I be when I have no weight of responsibility, but to take up my own responsibilities and adventures? Surely, than this waiting that feels like an eternity, will have brittled my bones before I start to see the peace in this life I wished to see. I imagine that I could be kinder and less introverted if I were around the people that understand me.

"But I don't like food. I don't like this body. I don't like the way things turned out to be. I even kind of hate all of those things. I'm always sad, I don't feel happy anymore. The thought of consuming food sickens me;" What the Albino Lioness then says touched my heart. "Oh, my Archangel of Sadness, my Anubis, I am doing my best to heal your soul and break these seals on you. With time, I will design the grandest home with a search tower to gaze upon the seas to be put in a place where all of the kindest neighbors live in peace, in a place that is far away from the sadness of the world and the pollution of mundane society. I am already visualizing where I will include a workshop for creating and inventing any manner of things, a hydroponic garden to never run dry of fresh foods and space for all of your important items. It will be hard to get there and you will have to get rid of some things to do this, but I may find you a place to escape to where you wish to be and I will come with you to start this new life. You can be comfortable in this place for the rest of your days and safe from the misunderstanding and hatred you've come to know up to now,"

But no matter how great these possible futures sound I am still destined to carry out the work of those that wish to pay me for my services. I value not having money but only enough to do as I need to do. Is this a flaw?

Everyone needs to work hard to get by in this world. I believe my good deeds here gave the reprieve of providing me with a stable career path despite my earlier hindrances in this lifetime. Perhaps I was also put in this vessel to gain a deeper understanding and acceptance of these beings around me, but I can't help but grimace at these sheep in human skin. It's not my responsibility to provide awareness to them. Ironically I would rather continue to see these sheep as sheep than to be challenged or obstructed by someone at this time. My focus needs to be on the present shifts and not on distraction.

Again we are brought to a period of uncertainty for the whole of this world out of the hatred and lack of self awareness that exists here. Sadly it takes a great amount of suffering until the awareness of the destruction they've wrought catches up to their conscious mind. With the current state of things I cannot simply act as I did without deep thought and knowing. I know that a full human lifetime is nothing compared to the time I have existed and that feeling of familiarity of myself and of past events has carried with me beyond the merge of fragments completed some time ago. Refreshed and rediscovering, I have been focused on the destination but the journey to get there will be great. I haven't had time to focus on the journey, I have become impatient being in this prison of loops and scripts. What will become of me when I reach that place of peace on this Earth? I worry about both my sanity and my path to becoming the person I was meant to be.

To know how to seek work in latent day has been advantageous financially, though it's dreadfully, obnoxiously and figuratively soul-sucking to be in a position that involves people you can't relate to, people you wish had a better understanding of the nature of things around them, people that lack creativity and logic. Compliance, logic, and leadership. These are the elements to a healthy workplace. Compliance of customers and peers not going beyond the boundaries and limits set before them. Logic to understand and better improve existing processes. Leadership to ensure all tasks are being carried out and effectively. Currently no matter how easy, how trivial to accomplish the work task may be, I am annoyed to be in the presence of these mundanes that do not understand me and those whom lack compliance.

I tell not of my identity for the fear of being hunted and not of my journey and suffering. I have purposely alienated myself. I chose not to make friends with the people around me and I carry some regrets with me wherever I go because I was unable to find myself upon the path most desirable. People have walked over my kindness while I suppressed my murderous intent and desire to manipulate. Somehow I am yet to derail from my path once more. I had a late awakening and often I find myself out of place and reminiscent of the power I once had.

Not only did I isolate myself from the people around me but my physical family in this lifetime as well. I can't tell my father that my brother is a snitch and a thief. I can't tell my mother that I evade her because she's not Lilith. I recognize that it's not my job to make everyone happy. I feel the need to be independent from this mundane family because they will never understand the pain I go through. I wish that they were more conscious and understanding.

I find myself in the predicament of self reflection once more. What life could I have had if I'd followed a different route? "Learn from the past, hope for the future, live in the present." I suppose that a parallel of myself would advise against the avoided greater evil. What would I tell a stranger of this place however? They would have to be out of their damn mind to come to a place like this. I must leave this place I never wanted to come to. Although If I hadn't come to this place, I wouldn't of met the Albino Lioness and Mother.

Thinking much of the Albino Lioness though I'm afraid to show my convictions to them entirely. Perhaps as a permanent resident I could become most satisfied with this manner of life I had wished to seat myself into. I can imagine these things but curiously the incarnation of Creation is becoming more apparent in these daydreams.

The Albino Lioness responsible for the occupation of the pantheons and The Jackal once called Anpu, once guardian to the halls of Amenti. A long time we have been together, and a long time since the events of Rome that perhaps was what they were referring to on that day a few days ago. I am not the same as I were but now as both a greater whole and a sealed man trapped in a place I don't want to be in. Should I accept the proposal from the Albino Lioness?

I know that bringing an early end to this life will only cause this pain to grow. Still I don't see it as fair that I am now suffering the fate of defragmentation and pulling myself back together from the pieces left behind in this spacetime. I have felt a pain so deep in my bones that I question how I have not shattered again. The increase in empathy I have been experiencing has been overwhelming. I wish to find myself again and know the truth so well that my conviction resonates throughout my being. We have both suggested things to each other about our desires and now perhaps a step closer to becoming fully mindful of what all of this means and entails.

I still fear the future, but if nothing is done then what I am left with is not much of a future at all.