Quinn's Chronicles

The Giver

I am a giver of second chances with chances upon chances. Sometimes I'm too nice to say no. I rather choose to believe even in the worst of people that they can change for the better, but I have my limits. Too often I don't recognize my limits.

I had my fair share of bad roommates and it made me never want roommates again unless it was with someone I loved and respected. There are many thousands of dollars owed in my name that I will never see again. At first he was kind and would stand up for me as my friend. How many times must I be struck in order to stand up for myself? How many empty words and excuses will it take to realize that there is something wrong? How am I supposed to know what is right for me? How many times must I be passive hoping for the day when the abuser finds their heart and ends the violence?

Far too often people have walked over my kindness and passiveness. I haven't told many people to fuck off. I wish I could've punched him back for once. All of those times I wish I did something back. In the end I chose to leave and not to help anymore. I knew in the end that I was the better. Without me they have nothing. It took until the day a stranger broke in and aimed a gun at my head that I did something about my tenancy; I was so sure that I would die that evening and I didn't bother resisting. "Is this it? Am I finally going to get what I wanted?" I thought, having been depressed for nearly six months in this home that was falling apart. I was so ashamed to ask my parents for help, I never wanted to explain my situation or be lectured. The bills were not being paid. While there was no electricity, my roommate thought it would be a good idea to steal it. There was no hot water for the longest time. I was their entire lifeline and I would not be surprised if they are in misery without my support. I was tired of giving favor after favor in faith of false promises. Everything got to a point of dread financially that I had to reach out for help. It was a time when I gave in to pressure, out of desperation and just not caring. My lover had just departed me after a consistent period of lying, cheating, secrets; there are many years of hell in my life that I will never be able to take back. There are full years of personal growth that were taken away completely.

I believe he knew that he was a manipulator. He would threaten me not to tell his concubine of these acts of "discipline." He would threaten my cat with a rifle if my cat would not "behave." At first I wanted to believe that he was my friend, at first I wanted to believe that these red flags raising in my head were nothing more than false alarms. My nightmares stay nightmares because I have yet the control to take hold of my dreams. It is people that are spiteful, and if you feel like you are in a cage then you must speak out. Much pain is from longing to be somewhere else, anywhere else. Where do you go when you don't trust your family? What do you do when you're too ashamed to find help?

Perhaps I were under a spell myself. Perhaps it were a daze from synchronicity that disallowed me from seeing with the clearest vision. Sometimes even if we have a clear warning of the future, we choose to ignore it thinking we may know better. I thought I could justify this as a part of my journey but also thought this is the cost of being here, in this place. Moreover this is the cost of putting blind trust in someone that was clearly a bad person.

Forgive me for being paranoid but reassurances of love are important. I am high maintenance emotionally, like a big, loyal, and often sad dog. I'm terrible at expressing myself. I no longer wish to give all of myself away and gain nothing in return. I have been homeless. Often I feel the need to be sheltered and have my space invaded despite my saying no. I will be attentive and I wish to see happiness. I wish to dissolve this wall of expectations I have built to keep myself from being hurt by those most unkind. I have trust issues and won't wait for signs of love and attention. I am affected by the mood of the other and we need to establish a healthy balance. Please continue to express interest despite not needing to.