Quinn's Chronicles

Finding One's Voice

"You know, I think you have gifts and you just don't tell anyone."

I kept silent and neither confirmed nor denied this to my mundane mother. She was supportive of my brother but I didn't want to lie in this instance nor hint my capacity. I would rather not my parents obsess over my practices and interests. It was already awkward enough when my brother began to confide in Jesus and grounding through faith; he would go on to reiterate prayers of Jesus' light to aid and heal him. I questioned the authenticity of his claims. Much of my family was displeased against his practices because he was actually really bad at what he did. Perhaps he was conversing with trickster entities. My aunt had mentioned to me that she received a very unsatisfying reading from him, preventing her from believing the power of psychics and occultists. I would never be able to bring myself to tell anyone in my mundane family of anything that I do. I am distant from everyone in my family.

My father in this lifetime was very typical in the way that most people would be in reaction to my being upset. He would just tell me not to cry, demand to know what's wrong and try to take it upon himself to fix it in what he would believe to be my best interest. Sometimes I would use this to my advantage. I lived under his roof for a while. Even though he always said that he would be there when he could, and had been helpful to me in the past, I cannot confide in him for anything. Asking them for help is the most difficult thing I can do, and I often reject it out of the experiences being displeased from their methods of help. For the longest time, the world was my room, my computer, and the friends I would have over. I didn't share much of anything with either of my parents.

For some reason many cats are attracted to my presence. What helped me the most was the love from and for my cat. There are times when I think I wouldn't have made it this far without her help. She gave me a reason to continue when I had nothing. She was given to me by Lilith because since she was a kitten she was quite fond of me; she would ignore the attention of others and wouldn't go near the other pets. She was quite difficult to take pictures of because she was always moving around. Times when I were alone against the wall with a knife in hand, she would sometimes come up to me with a ball because she wanted me to play with her. Truly the sweetest little cat, a talkative and loving calico. She behaves quite differently than other cats I've come across. I hope that my cat lives a long life, and has seen many sad days herself. I spoil her with treats and call her a good girl. I give her plenty of affection that I don't show others, sometimes having long monologues with her while she laid on my bed. I always wonder how much is really understood, or how much she could feel from my aura.

Many dogs are quite typical in that they will bark and must be monitored 24/7. I haven't the time nor the space to care for a dog. If I were to get a dog then preferably it would be one that is as close to my embodiment in dog form as possible. Ah? Maybe this is a bit strange, but I would prefer a dog that is large, intelligent, caring, self aware, sometimes a mischievous but not violent pain in the ass, communicable dog. I believe that this is an unreasonable expectation for most dogs. I wouldn't keep a dog that didn't have a heart or a brain. If I were to have a dog, I would put forth love into one, but alas now is not the time. My cat would hate it anyway.

I am afraid to be around things pure and innocent. I am not detestable in the way that I am some sicko, but I am afraid of tainting them with my sadness and pessimism. I am afraid to drop a child from my arms or not know my strength and crush it. I am afraid to have a child of my own for I do not see myself as a good father. I am afraid of bringing someone into this world only to be left behind or suffer a terrible fate. In past lives there were plenty of promiscuous encounters with women that left them with child. I cannot avoid pondering courting and mating, at one point or another it will happen even if though subconsciously, but never with someone underage. I have pledged to commit violence against myself should I ever find myself seeking of that filthiness.

I believe that I were tortured in some of my lifetimes that though I do not fully remember, still torment me to this day. I have visions and bad vibrations when looking at a razor in the bathtub of having my teeth cut at by the dull steel blades. I have trembled in pain covering my mouth groaning while in the bathtub because of this. Sometimes I would get other thoughts of tortures upon myself and others. Glimpses of visions, even sometimes against family and friends; I can only renounce and banish these thoughts. Often they come from the hidden murderous intent among others, but I do not know of a way to filter these thoughts so that I do not feel nauseated by the sight of such horrors. I admit to intentionally conjuring thoughts of harm against others through anger, never acting upon it in this lifetime. Some have such a deep and profound feeling of hatred in another's presence that sometimes I am flooded with adrenaline. I have had past incarnations with extreme violence and murder.

I played the piano in secret. I never read a sheet of music and nobody taught me anything. Sometimes I thought I was good, other times I thought I was terrible. One time at a family reunion, I was a bit buzzed and wanted to mess with my aunt's electronic piano. I didn't exactly like the sounds this one would make, but my mother pointed out that I was playing the piano quite well and asked what song I was keying. I honestly didn't know; I was simply playing from the spirit. My father had a piano that was passed down in our family that was very old. I loved the unique sounds that piano in particular would make. He got rid of it before I could say anything, it's not like I could have objected to it; he never saw me play.

Ameia was the fragment of my soul that saw the destruction of a city in the sky, with technology similar to that of Atlantis that existed long ago. With one fell swoop came something like the blast of a modern day atomic weapon, only with more pure energy and no radiation. It was as though the sun had kissed the earth for a moment, following the horizon of debris that quickly consumed the city, killing and destroying everything in the path of its blast.

Ameia was an incarnation of a time before my time as Anpu. She was proud to be a succubus and the spawn of mother Lilith. Often I saw the Ameia fragment as broken after I had been split from that era. She would begin to regress, continuing the loop of regression when she mentally fell apart. I believe that she was also an entity of immense sadness. When Ameia became part of my being, I had a time where I would renounce the remnants of her persona. Another war had been brewing in my mind. I underwent an identity crisis and to this day I still don't quite feel like I have a set state of consciousness. In possession of a male body, I fear I would be shamed by my parents and treated differently as a person. I have multiple sets of memories and opinions. I am still trying to learn myself as now that we have merged, I don't quite feel like Quinton anymore, and I don't quite feel like Ameia. I am not the original host of this vessel, so I am left with these questions;

Who am I? What do I like? What do I fear, now? Where do I wish to be, and do I wish it because of convenience or in pursuit of genuine happiness?