Quinn's Chronicles

The War

I'm still spending most of my spare time against the wall with a knife in hand, grazing across this brittle shell of bone and flesh. Again I see myself here in the corner, purposefully and where I have always been. Nightmares have nearly consumed me of the enemies I've made, of the people I no longer wish to see. I am haunted by insomnia. I am haunted by this overwhelming loneliness and empathy, this war in my mind.

Pay no attention to the boy, whose parents divorced, who doesn't play with other kids in the yard and is sometimes feared by teachers; pay no attention to the boy with no friends that wears combat pants to class, the one who taught others how to crash computer networks.

Sometimes lights would explode after turning them on while experiencing being extremely upset. Being in proximity of phone conversations often disconnected them. Walking under street lamps almost always made them dim. My mother would go through a whole household of light bulbs after my darkest nights of the soul.

My mind was more in the future than in the present. Literally, I began to gain an inexplicable knowing of a few moments ahead into the future. At times I couldn't tell if I were manifesting the words that came from others, if I were gaining insight into the future, or just reading thoughts. I could extend my senses to objects and sense things that others don't sense. I am not gifted with the sight of the spirit realm, though I have pursued growth in psychic senses and skills. I was content with the autonomy I started to feel, while stepping onto the path of a military career from a young age. There was a darkness growing inside me from constantly feeling alone. I needed more than simple distractions.

I was in cubs, scouts, cadets, and wanted to do more. My father showed me some things about survival, but something about the military called to me. Something about no tolerance for idiots, some discipline, and a sense of purpose, was appealing to my young mind. Perhaps, I thought, that this was my purpose for being here. Perhaps I would join the military. Perhaps the most appealing thing would be to die honorably in combat or at least gain the knowledge I needed to be autonomous and independent, or respected and acknowledged as a leader. I ended up regretting never joining the military completely and always looked back at what could have been. I was sharpening my mind and began to care less about myself as an individual.

Looking back, many tell me that the military is a hard life, and it is. It means putting up with assholes and bullshit. Leadership is meant to come from those you can depend on, and there was nobody I knew in this path that I could truly befriend. Later I found out that some troops went over and fought wars almost entirely unarmed, even ending up getting shot at. How was I expected to fight a war without ammunition? What would have been my fate if I couldn't depend on these leaders to prepare me for war?

On my third year at army cadet camp in my teenage youth, I mentally collapsed. I went to the pastor, and seeking options that would best benefit my state of being, I told him after some time that there is no amount of religion that can ease me from my pain. My unit found out about this incident and discretely forbid me from ever returning. Two years had passed applying for more camp experience until I decided I didn't want to be part of my unit anymore. When I knew I was going to age out and never be able to return to camp, I left. I wish I had known of the other options I had than wait two years having lost faith in my unit's growth, especially after being neglected for so long. It took three years to be promoted to a position of leadership from nothing at all!

While I was there in my third year of camp, I tried to tell people of my experiences being psychic but nobody would believe in it. I met people that would toy with the idea and abuse the knowledge. I was unable to express myself, sensing strange vibrations, catching projections of thoughts, and the physical pain of others; I hadn't understood myself, nor pain, though I tried to use the power of telepathy to ease a friend out of their worries. Out of the consistency of waking up around 3 in the morning, I took advantage of the peace and quiet I felt on base while most were sound asleep. I even sneaked out with my love interest at the time, finding a place in the middle of the night to lock lips while evading patrolling officers. When camp ended, a few months later I had found out that one of the only friends I made there and started to look up to died in a vehicle hit and run.

I stopped pursuing a military career while I had become preoccupied with a new love interest and the path of awakening. I kept looking back at the death of my friend and couldn't help but feel sad. I had already learned that turning off my emotions and pretending like it never happened wasn't healthy for my mind, and instead only delays the inevitable feelings that come with missing a person I care about. I started to be able to sense when others sent me messages while being away from my devices, even starting to hear the words said play back in my mind as it were being read by others. I started being able to disappear easier in plain sight by casting illusions on others. I didn't quite have someone to experiment and learn with so admittedly I had used my newfound gifts against my lover at the time, out of wanting to prove to myself that I was powerful and not delusional.

I've used empathy to flood others with emotions. A few times, I had used the power of my mind to cause pain to others. I could sense when spirits were nearby, sometimes rag-doll them with my mind. Please excuse all the times I called myself an imposter and unbeliever, questioning my own power and authenticity, not taking things seriously. I had yet to know myself as I better do now than I had before. Forgive me for seeking the advanced techniques regarding my gifts than to seek knowledge in the basics and histories. I know not fully how to use these gifts besides that the majority requires focus and intense emotions. I've had my fair share of being made a fool of for trying to prove abilities that needed the right time and place. All in all, what I have done in the past I dare say frightened me and caused an existential crisis.

No normal man should be able to do the things I have done. Certainly not stop full force winds at the moment of command, summon violent lightning storms and control the movement of clouds. I have pried into the hearts of many at a single gaze, touched incarnated souls across vast distances, and regrettably cast spells I not know fully the extents of. I didn't know what I was besides something other than a simple human.

It wasn't though until the day I unknowingly felt my friend in distress, and after reaching across the other end of town, I encountered him and the incarnation of Kieran. My crazy ass friend was actually getting cuffed by police officers when I arrived. I don't remember what he was arrested for. After my friend left with the police, I stayed realizing that Kieran was someone I knew in the sixth grade. We became friends. He didn't care that I was somewhat introverted.

It was some time later that while hanging out with him that I was able to meet the coven in this life. It was a bit surprising to be told later that Kieran was related in soul.