Quinn's Chronicles

The Father, The Star, and The Dragon

Iana knew what I had done though I had not spoke of it. The expression on her face told me that she was shocked to see me pulling away from a burning building of a person she likely knew. I'm not even certain if she was afraid of me at that moment or not. They were soon to be the carrier of my child, and a secret from Coven for a time. They knew of my daughter Jessica whom never got to say goodbye, and Iana was not afraid of me for she was also gifted with being awakened among the sheep and sought vengeance against them. I took care of her when she had no one, and we became evil together. I kept her from the dragon in the lake, whom though accepted my primal nature, didn't accept each other. It may have been an obvious jealousy but I felt responsible for Iana whom had nowhere to go and I ended up desperately wishing to appease them both. The awakened woman in human skin and the dragon of the lake always sought to undermine the other. I see that I was foolish looking back to have believed that I could be more of a hedonist and a bleeding heart than to be a man that sought out their own desires, having depended on the happiness of others. Though I still don't understand now what happiness truly means, I can say that my previous life was chaotic and unbalanced.

I didn't wish to be selfish but out of the betrayals and lies I executed, I realized too late trying to appease everyone is also selfish. I too deserve a sense of peace and security. Being the binding that holds things together is a difficult role to fulfill. I have always known that role. Though I didn't quite understand what it meant for myself to feel secure, I did my best to ensure that my family could be, that my lovers could be. I took it upon myself to assist in fulfilling the wishes of others because I did not know what I myself wanted. I didn't pay attention to myself as much as paying attention to the words of Council, Loki, of mother Lilith, and the Albino Lioness. I had known myself to be an instrument of their word, not merely this last incarnation but through many pasts of wars and anguish. I had served willingly, taking some enjoyment out of it, and I did as I pleased though what I pleased was like a kid playing with fire that burned the forest; needless to say the things I have done I've atoned for in many ways. Things changed and rules are often written because they have been broken before.

I have known betrayal for the longest time. I have known it from being betrayed and because I was once a betrayer of the Council, for assisting in the escape of a prisoner to them that no longer wished to serve them as their weapon, for destroying landmarks and the spreading of knowledge that was forbidden for humans to know. I defied the Council rebelliously, mischievously like my father before me in many ways. I would go as far as to kill and wait for the rebirth of some of their members. I will admit that my past lives are filled with a deep darkness but not as dark as the shadows cast by my soul father.

Loki goes by many names but it is indeed he who was my father in past lives, but shall simply continue to be referred to as Loki out of their preference, similarly as I am referred to as Quinn. It is he who threatened and executed the shooting that lead to my death, he who left my lovers in despair and put these seals on me. It had been since I discovered the truth of their plot that would lead to war against them, that they then became so content on putting effort into my demise. It was he and Pearce that sided for violence against whom they labelled as hunters, and forced to do the bidding of their hand I set fire to villages and murdered the innocent out of the anger and suffering felt upon discovering that they had taken my daughter from me!

I set fire to their villages, those whom I called lowly creatures for their chaos, breeding this hatred for mankind inside me. It had been much time of then committing to doing the bidding of Loki and Pearce until I began to oppose their morality. It was by that time too late and I had already committed the atrocities that Loki schemed that I would accomplish by manipulating this hatred; I had extinguished the light of many in many ways to get what I needed out of this world, back when the power of the mind over matter was frightening and misunderstood. For the sake of my daughter Jessica who never got to say goodbye, drowned by the hands of a hunter wishing to diminish all of our kind; an actor against all of the Fae and all of us who use magic here. I had done worse so and which I cannot take back. It was too late when I came to consciousness of what I had done, giving them the very reason to fear awakened stars wearing human skin.

It was when I was told Loki's scheme and the manipulations set against this hatred inside me to twist my mind against humanity, that I then left and told my lovers that I bet against his heart not to pull the trigger on his son. I thought, dare he have the heart to take my life to prevent the execution of his plot, among my lovers, family and the denizens around me in mid day? Foolishly I bet against the evil in him knowing that I am his greatest threat. I purposely went to the village where my murder was expected and left the realm of the living physical.

Perhaps had I continued to support Loki, more unspeakable destruction would have erupted and consumed the land. I was fatally shot in front of my family and lover through the right of my chest - to this day I still feel the echoes of that fatal wound through me and it becomes hard to breathe upon feeling those echoes. I lost the bet against Loki's heart, challenging his morality to come forth and atone. Perhaps I expected too much in this scheme for I had failed to have him see what peace we could have in this world and how much light would pierce his being to recognize and defy the evil of his actions before committing them. I was fragmented for being unable to complete the journey before me. I was later sealed by Loki to prevent recollecting the details of the truths against him and I never got to be the person I desired to be in that lifetime or this one. I hadn't even known of the child that my lover Iana was carrying, later lost, and so too my lover's life not three years after the loss of my life.

I am afraid to accept the warmth of my soul's family for the things I have done. I am afraid of it for the things I have done and the things I may yet do. I wonder if I deserve to have the love that I do and being absent of their presence I am corrupted with the fleeting memories of love I once gave that I do no more, towards the lovers of my past and to my now enemies; Despite what I've done, now I can say I mean well. In this life I have done my best not to hurt a soul. I know what it's like to lose everything and I have continued to lose "everything" in this lifetime time and time again. Sometimes I am narrow visioned to see only the sadness of this world that it clouds my perception until I no longer see the love. Sometimes all I see is the dark night of the soul and the evils we suppress.

I no longer wish to harm, at least not senselessly, at least not without a sense of morality and justice. I fear however, becoming blinded by rage, hatred, sadness, loneliness, illusion; I fear the empathy I carry, over being unable to determine what my own true feelings are and over the fear of being manipulated or deceived. I would say that a part of the reason for avoiding the people that do not understand me is out of the fear that I will cause them harm. I fear that they may aggravate me to the point that I lose control of my senses. I fear that they will hate me for the things I do or don't do. Outwards I have the confidence and ego, inwards I am in turmoil. I battle my mind against the human machine, now becoming more passive and gentle; I wish I could see these memories clearly. I wish that I felt more complete as a being than haunted by the seals gathered from the sadness felt more than mortals feel, unable to understand self driven purpose than to follow the roles given, for what felt like the exchange of continuing to exist.

I know not of the feelings of the dragon in the lake that day.