Fragmented ✔️

12. Carousel

Laying on my bed, the covers stripped back, I stared at the blank canvas that was my ceiling. I tried to clear my mind, but Matt's words whirled throughout my head and I was caught on a carousel of endless thoughts. Just when I thought the ride was about to slow down and let me off so I could finally fall asleep, they picked back up.

Zaire had dropped me home over two hours ago, and I was still wide awake. I wanted sleep to take me under, but with the buzz from the alcohol faded, I felt far too much. My body was hyper-aware of every brush from my tangled bed sheets and every minute noise from outside my window.

The wind ruffled the leaves around the garden, creating my own bedtime lullaby. My father's distant and muffled snores joined in with their own rhythmic melody.

I closed my eyes, urging slumber to follow, but the more I forced it, the more my mind and body fought against it. Letting out a slight huff of frustration, I balled my fists, tensed my legs, and released my hold a few seconds after. Nothing was working.

Matt's touch lingered on my skin and each of my movements fanned remnants of his unique scent all over me even hours later. It was torture and bliss rolled into one.

Through heavy-lidded eyes, I glanced back up to the ceiling. "Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep," I mumbled to myself.

Nothing.

I curled onto my side, grabbed my phone, and clicked through my playlists in search of calming music, hoping to drown out my own consciousness.

With my music set, I focused on my breathing, counting each intake of air. My heartbeat slowed, and I tried to visualise a deserted beach with hot sand under my feet and miles of vivid blue water.

I fell slowly and all at once.

The classical instrumental track playing gradually grew louder as heavy base and drumming pushed their way through the sound until my calm was replaced with chaos.

All I saw was the bar with waves of people and strobing artificial lights as my beach disappeared. That scene was far from soothing.

Red, greens, and blues flashed against their skin, illuminating the darkness. I looked out into the room, hoping to catch someone's eye, to find someone that would make me feel better about being there alone. Only vacant faces stared back.

My pulse raced as panic set in. In this crowded place, I was all alone.

Pushing past the soulless bodies, I stepped outside and into a cloudless night. A light breeze picked up and whirled around the bare skin of my arms.

Lonely and cold, I wandered the deserted streets until the tarmac roads changed into a sea of wildflowers and moss. Trees towered overhead, their height intimidating.

I lowered my gaze to the floor and took a deep breath in.

One
Two
Three

The moon coated every inch of the waves from the forest; my surroundings brighter under the new light. White, flowing fabric caught my eye as it drifted through the trees. The urge to follow pushed my body into action, each step careless. My arm brushed against coarse bark, prompting a trickle of blood to run down my left forearm. I drew air in through my teeth from the sudden sting in my limb.

The unmistakable mass of rich brown hair stilled my movements for a second.

"Saffron!" I covered the graze on my arm with my right hand and renewed my strides. "Saffron! Wait for me."

She didn't slow her pace as she disappeared deeper into the forest.

"Please," I begged. A steady stream of tears blurred my vision. "I just want to talk to you. Why won't you talk to me?" My last sentence lodged itself in my throat as she stopped.