She came Back

Addicting

It was 2015 now. 6 am. I was still at the beach just thinking and thinking until I got tired of my brain speaking so I got up and looked around a few times. It wasn't deserted. There still were a few people here, probally sleeping. The view was getting better now since the sun was rising.

I took out my phone and put my earphones on. Listening to "My Everything by Ariana Grande". I had to admit. This song always tears me apart. The song went right through me. I walked to a bench nearby, sitting alone. I know I shouldn't have stayed this long here, my parents would be worried. But I pushed that thought aside. I didn't care anymore. I was getting bad again and I was too tired to care.

After watching the beautiful sunrise, I decided to go home. I wasn't feeling well here anymore. I was needing the comfort of home now. I was getting tired by the minute. I needed sleep. I needed to rest my body and mind. I was being isolated.

-

When I reached home, it was 8 am. Turning on the lights, the first thing I saw was food.

"Thank the lord oh my gosh." I prayed happily. If there was one thing that could divert my mind from everything, It was food, the food that is bad for you only tho. Junk Food.

I was in the middle of eating pizza when my phone rang.

"Hello?" I said with a mouthfull of pizza

"It's Julie"

Are you fucking kidding me? Wtf. Wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf. I thought to myself. Wait, I better check if it's the same Julie.

"Um... Julie who?"

"Julie Grey, your friend. Remember, I was in the same grade with you when we were 11 ? But then I moved away to America for Vacation. But Now I'm back. Yeaheyy."

"Oh my gosh. Julie Grey? Is it really you? Omg. You're back? That's amazing"

"Yea sorry to call so early in the morning. Um you're probally still asleep-ish. So I'll call back. Byee"

Before I could say bye, she hung up. It was amazing that Julie had came back from America but are you kidding me? I'm having a life crisis kind of issue and you put another chick in my life? Bruh? I can barely handle myself. Ok. I need to calm down. Julie and I are just friends now. We might have broken up before but its a good thing we still remained friends after that, right? Ugh, I just hope that 2015 won't be a dick to me, like last year. I just need to chill. Omg I can't chill with all this. I'm panicking now.

I ran to the toilet, banged my forehead and punched my fist against the walls several times. I need to calm down. I hesistately reached for the cupboard and swiftly took out a ciggarette from a pack. Thankfully I still had four more packs left. So It could last until..... a month? Ugh.

Staring at myself in the mirror now. I really looked like shit. Gosh, I was a mess. Guess this is what happens to you when you don't get any sleep. I lit up the ciggarette and puffed it quickly. Every puff making me more calmed. I have to appriciate ciggarettes, they've been by my side when no one else was. So they were with me since.... forever.

I was addicted. This is the problem with addiction. Where there is help for addictions, no one wants to help. I don't really want help anyways. Instead, I like my addiction to grow. Because like all addictions, I can't get enough. There's this trill and security I get from it. There is the expectation of what's coming. Then there's the glowing ray of happiness I constantly feel. All these feelings are so overwhelming and comforting in some sort of manner that I can't seem to explain. Which means I can't,and won't, do anything about it. It's like a life support. Without it, I'll fall apart.

But like all addictions, there comes a time when enough is enough. But that time for me is still very far away. The inevitable will happen eventually If I don't stop. Which I am not planning to since I will actually enjoy my death. I know it's weird but I am actually looking forward to dying. I like the comfort of knowing that one day I'll leave all this behind and everything won't matter anymore. I like that kind of comfort.

The reason why I started smoking was when Julie left for America and I thought I would never see her again. But I was wrong. I needed something to replace the void in my soul. So I found smoking the solution.

But now that Julie is back, should I stop? What should I do. There's that sence I did with Anna that would probally break our friendship, then there's me trying to get over Jess; which I think I did. Afterall, I haven't been thinking about her lately, have I? Now there's Julie which I still have no idea about. What if she changed? So many issues. So little time.