Sweet Nothing

quattuordecim

He touched me

and I cried

He couldn't hear me as I wept

Silent was the screaming in my head

'get out! Get out! Don't touch me there!'

I was frozen stuck in place.

But the sound of my heart begging me to do something

Was so loud and still

I choked on what I should have said

I lay there whimpering

Eyes closed and limp as if I was asleep

Praying to God that I wouldn't wake.

In the morning my skin burns where he touched

I'd lay there still hours after

With dry eyes and bloody hands

Then I'd get up and shower.

Scrubbing my skin raw to get rid of him

Reopening the wounds that made me feel safe

I bleed my gums to get rid of the taste

'I'm not a whore'

I cry again before the mirror in disgust.

Nothing ever changes because it only gets worse

I wear tighter pajamas and hate myself some more

I shut my eyes tight and beg for it to end,

When 5am creeps in like a lion so at 4am I take my pills

If i can't register it it didnt happen

I am silent once again.

My heart pleads with me to try and make it stop

My thoughts fill my head with doubt

And I am a used broken thing

'I am not a whore' I cry and turn away

I wait till he leaves to cry again

Because I tried to pull away

It didn't work and I wake up and scrub my skin again

Too scared to meet his face.

I laugh and joke knowing I can't change

I am wrong but I'm trying to be safe

I am scared of what comes if I comfess

What can I do to deserve a better fate?

I don't believe in God, but still I shake

Hands clasped together i beg for a savior

On my knees like a whore

I pray he thinks I'm asleep.