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Soobin let out the breath he hadn't noticed he had been holding--only to clam up again when he heard someone move things aside in their shared walk-in closet and then Yeonjun was suddenly in front of him.
He had changed into a pair of sweats and another one of Soobin's t-shirts and Soobin didn't know how he felt about that--previously he had thought it was adorable how small looked in his things, but now? He could still see Yeonjun with his tongue down the guy's throat and it killed him.
Yeonjun carefully came closer until he kneeled in front of where Soobin was sitting--his voice was low and careful.
"I sent him home--I didn't know you were coming home today; I am sorry, and I am also sorry for saying that. I shouldn't have just assumed you'd be out again--this is our shared apartment after all."
Soobin simply stared into his glass. He didn't know what he should say, he didn't know what he could possibly say right now--Hey, Yeonjun. I just realized that I am a fucking homophobe and that I can't stand it whenever you kiss a guy so please take your gay business to somewhere else from now on, k thanks bye.
Yeah, no.
The tears come back and within a few seconds he is a sobbing mess--he can feel Yeonjun wiping away his tears with the sleeve of his shirt, but he's crying too hard for it to actually make a difference.
It's the thought that counts, but right now he is so confused he doesn't even know if he can fully appreciate Yeonjun trying to calm him down. How could he do that if Soobin apparently hated a part of him?
He only cried harder and harder when Yeonjun suddenly pulled him into a tight hug and everything got a little bit too much to bear in that moment--his chest suddenly started to feel tight, as if someone was dropping a shit ton of bricks on them, his fingers started to feel numb, as well as his toes and he just needed to get out.
Soobin mumbled a quick 'sorry' before he pushed Yeonjun away, unlocked the door and went straight to their balcony--he needed fresh air and as soon as he stepped outside he took deep breaths, but it only seemed to make it worse so he held in his breath for a moment.
It was so incredibly hard with all the tears in his eyes, but after what felt like hours he finally managed to breath more or less normally again and the sheer panic that had flooded his system only a few seconds ago finally vanished again.
He slid down the cold wall and sat down on the floor--he felt utterly exhausted. His limbs felt as if they were made from stone and his eyes burned--he reached for his pack of smokes he had left on the balcony that morning and lightened up a cigarette.
Soobin was so lost in his thoughts that at first, he didn't even realize Yeonjun was sitting on the ground a bit away from him--watching him with a worried expression on his face.
"You know, you can talk to me, right?"
Soobin took another shaky drag from the cigarette. This felt like the most terrible déjà-vu.
"I know, but this isn't something you can help me with. I'll have to work through this one alone."--it felt like a cruel joke. Yeonjun had used the same words not too long ago when Soobin had offered him to speak about whatever had been bothering him and he had hated that Yeonjun didn't seem to want to talk to Soobin about it--yet, here he was. Using the same bullshit excuse.
But how could he possibly say anything about this to Yeonjun?
He didn't want to hurt his friend even more than he probably already had. Was that why he had reacted that badly to Yeonjun having that guy over a while back? Had that been the reason why he had acted like such an asshole?
Fuck, now it all made sense.
Yeonjun sighed. "If you ever want to talk about it, I am here for you--okay? I worry about you a lot these days and I know we have been fighting a lot, but I really mean it when I say that I care about you and want you to be okay."
Soobin felt his throat close again and he took another drag of his cigarette.
He only managed a small nod.
Yeonjun seemed to understand that there was no use in talking to him about anything right now, because there was no way Soobin would talk about anything right now.
He just wanted to feel like shit right now, pity himself because of his new-found homophobia and he just wanted to help himself a little bit. How could he be such an asshole?
Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Yeonjun getting up and walking back inside their apartment, only to come back out again with a huge blanket in his hands. He wordlessly draped it over Soobin and walked back inside.
Now Soobin felt even more like an utter piece of shit.
Yeonjun worried about him, even brought him a fucking blanket so he wouldn't get cold, while he sat outside fucking pitying himself for being a huge jerk. This was twisted.
His head hurt again and flicked away the butt of the cigarette, and sat staring at the empty space. How could he possibly face Yeonjun from now on?
Was that the end of their friendship?
Soobin felt sick only thinking like that--he didn't want to kick Yeonjun out of his life like that. He knew he would fucking miss his roommate so there had to be another way--he had to figure out how to overcome his homophobia and, instead of feeling angry, would start to feel happy for his friend finally having a boyfriend. Or whatever that guy was to Yeonjun.
Soobin reached down into his pocket and took out his phone. He really needed to talk to someone about this who wasn't Yeonjun, someone who would help him and give him advice on this mess and not straight up hit him in the face with a bat.
He looked through his contacts--should he call Harry? No, Friday was family night--same for Louis. Taehyun wouldn't be the best option either, because he didn't want to hurt yet another queer friend so maybe Woobin? Huening was probably asleep already and he would spill everything to Yeonjun within seconds for sure and he wasn't ready for that.
So Woobin it was--he clicked on the contact and dialed his number.
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When I told you Soobin would need some brain cells in the future I meant it!
