Professor Why's Academy for Extraordinary Youngsters

Heroics 102: Proper nasal cleaning

Superpowers are pretty uncommon. If they weren't, we wouldn't have superheroes. We'd just have beefed up fire spewing police, or something. For the normal citizens, I think it's important to be able to live out your fantasies of being a superhero by reading a description of what it's like to go to a superhero school, then calling your local authorities when a problem arises so that an actual superhero can come to the scene and resolve the problem expediently and relatively painlessly. Here is a peak behind the veil at your average day at a superhero school, abridged for your relative convenience.

The problem with schools is that they need to be accredited. You cannot guarantee that an otherwise incredibly remarkable student will make it in the hero industry. Some go on to become painters, talk show hosts, and radiation scientists, and we need those kinds of people too. Some of my best friends experimented with radiation, hence the whole situation where my fingers catch fire. In order to match state accreditation standards while still being a designated superhero prep school, all the traditional learning was done in the first half of the day through extremely nontraditional means- telepathy. Allow me to introduce you to my personal least favorite teacher, Dr. Mr. Fluffybottom.

At one point, Dr. Mr. Fluffybottom, at that point just referred to as "Mr. Fluffybottom", was a housecat belonging to an old woman. She must have had at least 20 of them. Mr. Fluffybottom developed the ability to communicate from mind to mind at an early age and used that information to lead the cats in a revolt against their master for removing the testicles of many of the older members, and when she caved, Mr. Fluffybottom went on to pursue other noble acts. His house was equipped with an auto feeder, cat doors, and sporadic lasers of Mr. Fluffybottom's own invention. The mad cat wanted more, however, and decided to pursue a higher education. First a GED, then a Bachelor's degree, then a Master's, then a PHD, all of which he got while completely naked in every single class, which is something that no one else in the history of education has been able to claim. His graduate studies were in the field of anthropology, by the way. Apparently one must "know their enemy".

Anyways, he graduated, the old lady kicked the bucket, and in dire need of soft cat food he came under the employment of professor Why, which made Dr. Mr. Fluffybuns the only native of New New Mexico to teach at the school, and also the only teacher in the American school system to receive a pass to teach completely in the nude.

In our first day of class, Ivan, Situ, and I walked to school together. Dorms were nearby, but we didn't know what to expect and to be honest I liked the idea of leading a team of superheroes, which meant I had to actually attempt to lead a team of superheroes. We showed up to class and on the teaching podium, there was a cat with long white fur and a squished face. It appeared to be grooming its intimate area, and when we walked up to see what was going on, it made eye contact with us, tongue still sticking slightly out, then continued grooming. We didn't know what to do so we took our seats. The bell rang and no other teachers appeared, but there was still this cat cleaning it's balls for another ten seconds before class began. Suddenly a voice echoed in our heads.

"It's polite to look away."

"Did you hear that?" Situ asked.

"I think I thought it." I replied.

"Correct!" Said the voice in our collective heads. "More accurately, I'm transmitting my thoughts into your brains. That being said, I can only transmit, not receive, and I do not know you, so for this class only, I will be calling attendance."

"Mmmm.... Whozat?" Asked a girl in the front row, who seemed to have slept through the entire conversation. You have to respect the balls on someone who sits in the front row and falls asleep before the first class on the first day.