Professor Why's Academy for Extraordinary Youngsters

Heroics 104: Proper Salesmanship (get it?)

After a weekend of losing sleep trying to find a way to get even with Ivan and reclaim my lost love, Monday came, and what became very clear is that Ivan also did not get any sleep. He showed up to school with a knock off naval officer uniform which he got from some store I never heard of (or perhaps a night of passionate needlework), and more disturbingly, two matching naval uniforms for his two chaperones to school, Situ and Summer, one on either arm. He had to reach upwards to put his arm on Summer's shoulder.

"You know, when I said a "date", this wasn't exactly what I had in mind."

"Tut tut, cheerio crumbcakes! I spent a league darning these lovely sockhops with my own grumbs!" Ivan replied. I got the feeling that he knew what none of those words meant, and that the sleep deprivation from making appropriately sized costumes was really getting to him.

"Ahh, hello Flare my old bushwheezer!" Ivan said, proudly.

"Why are you British?" I asked.

"No time for your gobsmack! Today is cruise day!" Ivan proclaimed.

"Cruise day?" Situ asked, as confused as I was.

"Ahh Dottie, you always were two leaves shy of a crumpet!" Ivan proclaimed in a British accent that would make Dick Van Dyke cringe, "A cruise ship arrives today, and we're going to sneak on board and play shuffleboard with the elderly!"

"Why?" I asked.

"My two dates are obligated to join, so I figured"- Ivan said, twiddling his nonexistent moustache between his fingers.

"Yeah okay." I responded.

"Great! See you after school! Come on girls, to the locker room!" He said, laughing. Both girls immediately pulled away, but since they weren't about to break a promise, both quietly and uncomfortably waited outside. I had to give Ivan credit. He had no clue what accent to use, but they were pretty spot on recreations of US Marine uniforms, albeit with miniskirts.

Class was bizarre. As per Ivan's wishes, Situ did not sit down. Summer was allowed to, since technically speaking this was a date and not a bet that she lost, but Situ began the class standing. It all ended when Ivan handed her a bag of grapes to feed him, and the subsequent backlash from Dr. Mr. Fluffybuns ended the antics until the class was over. Even gym was relatively normal, albeit with Situ absolutely not trying in one of her two favorite halves of the school day.

The exciting part, however, was after school. Ivan gathered a motley crew together of Situ, Summer, myself, and Ivan's imaginary friend. I might be exaggerating, but it's also possible I'm not. His "friend" was named Guy but it was strangely hard to remember.

"Friends, countrymen, Situ" Ivan began.

"Hey!" Situ replied.

"What? You're not from my country. Unless... are we friends?" Ivan asked.

"...Carry on." Situ said. She may have gone along with this ridiculous costume and character situation, but she was nonetheless as harsh as always.

"We have before us a cruise ship. Luckily for us, Guy managed to acquire a few refundable tickets, which we will use to enter the boat, and refund tomorrow morning since we did not actually go on a cruise. It's risky, but play it cool and you'll be fine." Ivan said, one hand on either girl's shoulder. He had to reach up to touch Summer's, so he was distinctly off balance.

"Who's George?" I asked.

"Guy. You know, your classmate, the guy who said that hilarious joke on the first day of class?" Ivan asked.