2 hearts || ryden

[14.9]

     "can you tell me what happened?" dallon asked me as he placed a box of tissues next to me. i nodded and clutched onto the blanket.

     "remember pete's party?" i asked. dallon nodded his head and looked at me, giving me full attention. "do you remember when we played spin the bottle?" dallon's eyes went wide and he immediately ran both his hands through his hair.

     "fuck, oh god this is all my fucking fault oh my god i'm so sorry brendon i-"

     "dallon, it's okay. calm down," i interrupted him. dallon's eyes met mine and this time it looks like he's the one who's about to start crying. i frown at him. "don't blame yourself."

     "i know but i agreed to playing the game. shit this never would've happened if-"

"dallon! it's not your fault," i practically shouted. dallon let out a deep breath and nodded.

"i'm sorry. i'm probably stressing you out more." he said.

"you're not."

but then i couldn't stop thinking. and thinking and thinking and thinking.

no, it's not his fault. he's not the one who sent the pictures or stood there as he watched ryan yell at him for breaking him. he's not the one who couldn't fucking explain himself when ryan was in pain.

it was me.

"brendon, hey! you're okay, you're okay."

     i didn't notice that i started shaking and crying again. but those same thoughts kept circling around and around and around and it was all i could think about.

     i hurt ryan.

     i couldn't even compare how he hurt me to how i hurt him. we were children figuring ourselves out and ryan was struggling. i stormed off after we confessed how we felt in person for the first time in years. i ghosted him for days. i kissed another guy and couldn't even explain myself.

     well now there's two ways that i've fucked something up by kissing.

     i slammed my hand on the couch, trying to find my phone. dallon's eyes followed my hand as i kept patting to try and find it. dallon caught on and put his hand on my shoulder.

     "calm down, give him some time. do you want to keep explaining or do you want to wait?" he said softly.

     my breathing went faster and thoughts kept swirling. how do i get my mind off of this? all i thought of was ryan and spin the bottle. ryan and a kiss. i remembered the night ryan and i met up for the first time in years. when he made it up to me. i felt so much better. so so so much better.

     "can i kiss you?"

     dallon raised an eyebrow. "i'm sorry, what?"

     i started stumbling through my words, trying to make up sentences, but i couldn't.

     "brendon, slow down," dallon moved his hand to my arm. i shut my mouth and looked at him. "you're not thinking right, brendon. i get it, you're trying to think of something else or get your mind off of this or whatever, but this isn't really what you want. it won't help."

     he was right.

     "here, you need to go to sleep. all this stressing out isn't good on you," he told me as he stood up and brought me up with him.