Lethal Ways Not To Kill Yourself

Check Mate 5: Kal

The first thing I noticed was the colours. All around me, they engulfed me. Colours of black and colours of blue. Each lined up on the sides in which the teams were. Each side cheering louder and louder. I wanted to get lost in the voices, but I also wanted the voices to drown me. Drown me so that I never hear again, drown me so I never get to feel again, drown me so I never get to meet the eyes that dripped the tears of disappointment more than regret. The people all around me, swearing and chanting, they choked me. They were the walls I wanted to punch through. Even though a stadium would be considered as open ground, these people blocked the wind of fresh air, their screams and presence, or the fact that their gaze could locate me anytime didn't let me breathe. My anxiety was just a shadow of a spider magnified at night, but there's a reason why people are still scared of it. People around me are the reason why. These people who would prance at me and hold me accountable for my failures are the reason why. Why I didn't skip the step and jumped down is the reason why. The shame, the guilt of not being able to achieve something even though my parents gave me each and every resource possible is the reason why. Being an epitome of bad decisions than underdog success is the reason why, The gaze of pity, sympathy, even disdain, it was better that I was gone.

Kassy might have seen me get all anxious in public, so she pulled me to sit down. Her voice asked me to have my attention on the conversation with mum and dad rather than people around me.

"Where's uncle Warren, he must be somewhere near the bleachers I think." Kassy smiled and looked at me, reminding me that I had to smile as well. It was a small reunion anyway. Uncle Warren, Rayleigh and Rueben, it's been months since we met them, after Aunt Azalea's death of course.

"Kass, don't worry about him," mum glared at her, but the way she called Kassy drew my attention," he'll be super busy clicking pictures." She tried to smile really hard through her gritted teeth but to no avail. I knew why she warned Kassy against raising the topic. She doesn't know that it doesn't matter to me anymore, I'll be glad to see Uncle Warren's face once in a while to make sure he is treating his kids right.

Kassy leaned in to whisper," is she pissed about what he did or about how you feel?" She placed her ear to cover her face, a habit of hers and I saw her grey painted nails. She must be in a good mood. It's been a while since she painted her nails, or bothered to look good for that matter. It's great to see her feel good about herself, she deserves all the love from herself which our parents couldn't give to her.

"I like to think it's the latter," I answered back," makes me feel that they think about me." we both grinned at each other. "At least one of us gets the half-hearted attention." She surveyed if mum didn't overhear us. Mom noticed what Kassy was doing, so Kassy recoiled by flashing the glinting set of teeth she saved it for the boys to hit on. I dropped my head to save myself from second-hand embarrassment."What is the stupid smile on your face?" Mum snapped back. The straight face she held made it difficult for me to breathe, out of laughter, of course. I wonder how hard it was for mum to hold that face. Oh, that's her resting face."Mum, that's the smile that'll get me on the altar." She air-kissed mum, the popping sound made me shiver in cringe. Kassy hugged me," don't laugh at my plight, you son of a gun." But she was the one who couldn't stop laughing at what she did," yeah, keep telling yourself that and maybe you'll find something funny."

It suddenly dawned upon me, looking at how she dressed. She moved a level up to actually look good, and I am pretty sure she didn't follow a self-care routine. "Did you dress up for Alex?"

"I see Eli dressed up for you too." She pointed out on the other side of the cemented staircases. Alex waved his hand frantically, and Elikai pulled him down.

"He's idiotic, really."Kassy was already trying hard to push back her giggles, constantly side-glancing at mom and dada.

"But he's cute, you have to agree." She reached for the water bottle we had placed down, then went on adjusting her letterman jacket.