Norman x Reader || SAUDADE

34-'I- love you!'

Dearest _________,

I truly apologize for the lack of courage I possess, that I sent you my regards along with pieces of papers instead of enlightening you with my presence. I refrained from placing my name on the letter for I fear that you might resist reading any of it which will result in further prolonged suspension between us. My actions might have deeply bothered you, both right now and sometime in the past, I have caused you a lot of pain despite my resolve to always make you smile and elicit the best in you. I never wanted to hurt you, however it seems like I was the reason for almost every tear you have shed in life. What does that make of me? At the most, I began to think whether or not I deserve to love you. The girl who stole my heart the moment I understood the meaning to that burdensome word. You seem to have mistaken a lot of things about my feelings, and I was to blame for that. I was being vague about everything.

You are an angel, from the very first day. You cared deeply for everyone, even for a sickly little boy like me. You have a gentle facade and a fragile heart, always yearning for the good in everything. You're beautiful, very much so, even your smile can light up the eerie last days to my fated demise. I can't confess my vulnerable sentiments to you nor to anyone, for I never hope to create anymore difficulties inside a farewell. Even in those last moments, I managed to make you cry out of sadness. I felt remorseful, but I was sure that I would stop you from wasting your tears ever again if I obediently walk to my doom with a smile. However, I was terribly mistaken.

I was scared, unequivocally frightened, I was not sure of my own life, my own breath. I just want to see you and everyone else. All those unknown liquid, frightening faces, voices, I want it to end. The thought of you escaping from the clutch of death serves as a fortitude against the hell I was living. I wanted to see you again and tell you everything, but I know I may have not freed myself from death's grip. I started getting terminally ill, all was naught. I was powerless, I felt hopeless, I needed you, Ray and Emma. That once I finally led the rebellion and freed myself from that hell, I decided to create a world where we do not have to worry about anything, where we would lose no one we love anymore. If not for us, then at least for you. Knowing that I did not have much time around the clock left, I got so obsessed with that concept of a peaceful world, that I was not aware that I was slowly killing myself, piece by piece. I lost myself until I found Emma, Ray and you weeping over my dead self.

Do you know the story of Leonidas the first? Battle of Thermopylae? He was brought up in a harsh world of the Spartan, of those who valued brawn and muscle. He led a bit over one thousand and two hundred men to battle against the three hundred thousands of Persian army. All went well, too well that it's be too good to be true if they would have won, that's where a traitor appeared. He knew it was to death, he sent most of the Greeks away, that he was left with no more than three hundred spartan men and a bit of the others. He stood his ground for a future he believed in, he was raised in a harsh environment that shaped the way he perceives the world. So, there he died, refusing to retreat until his last dying breath for what he believed to be good, but for whom? Greece? Sparta? Or for the widowed Queen Gorgo who was left alone with a son that night? I would be thinking too highly of myself if I were to say that I was faced with a similar tale. I was in a harsh demon world where wit and mental fortitude are valued. I led not more than 4 people and an outcast demon clan in my stead. All went well, too well, and I missed an important aspect. I sent my wounded comrades to safety, but one thing I failed to do is to keep my queen within the safe palace walls. You were there standing with me, risking everything that might befall you. I refused to give up on making sure you're safe. But, looking back, now I know, you have the independence and strength to stand for your own. Just like the Spartan queen. So I have less to fear, for one day when we succeed in escaping this horrendous world, my time's up and my disease will gain victory over me, I know you'd have everyone. You'd be smiling in peace.