The Antiquity of Us (La Fortuna Series #2)

Kabanata 40

Kabanata 40

Dream

Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko habang iniimpake ang lahat ng gamit ko sa mansiyon nina Atlas. Nakatalikod ako sa kaniya pero ramdam ko ang matalim na titig na ginagawad niya sa 'kin. His glare was stabbing my back and I could feel its sting piercing through my heart. Hindi ko na siya kailangang tignan para malaman kong galit na galit siya. I would understand if that's the case, but my mind's already made up. I needed space. And if it meant being apart from him, too, then so be it.

"Don't do this. Don't shut me out, Iowa," he muttered in a cold baritone.

Nang matapos ipasok sa maliit kong maleta ang lahat ng gamit ko'y isinara ko 'yon. After doing so, I turned around and looked up at him. Nasa sahig ako habang siya nama'y nasa hamba ng pinto, nakahilig doon at nakapasok sa magkabilang bulsa ang parehong kamay.

"I'm sorry. I need to go," tanging nasabi ko bago tumayo na.

I pulled my suitcase and was about to walk past him when he grabbed me by my elbow. Hindi niya na naitago roon ang higpit ng hawak niya. I winced a bit, making him loosen his grip, pero 'di niya pa rin ako binitawan.

"Why are you like this?" Bigong-bigo ang mukha niya.

"What?" Hinablot ko ang kamay ko at mariin siyang tinitigan. "Unpredictable?"

"No. Selfish."

Napalunok ako, napaatras, at napaiwas ng tingin. Hindi ko yata kayang tignan ang nanunukat niyang mga mata. He knew the power that he had over me and he was a master in using it to make me crumble down and fall upon his demands. To be honest, if he was to stay mad at me because of this, I wouldn't blame him... This was all on me. And I guess, I just had to live with the ramifications of this decision.

"I need time for myself, Atlas. Hindi ko kayang manatili rito sa Pilipinas. I need to unwind... and go someplace else."

"We can go anywhere. Together. Wala akong pakealam kung saang lupalop ng mundo mo gustong pumunta. But you and me?" He plastered a look of conviction. "We're staying together."

Umiling ako. "We can't."

"Why can't we?" his voice broke.

Kumislap ang mga mata niya sa nagbabadyang mga luha. He looked away, shut his eyes firmly, and massaged his eyebrows through his forefinger and thumb. Nang iminulat niya ang kaniyang mga mata ay galit lamang ang makikita ko roon.

He curved a sad smile. "You're unfair."

"I know..."

"No. You don't give a damn about this and that's the truth. You don't know and you don't fucking intend to. Naiintindihan kong nagluluksa ka para kay Yona pero bakit kailangan mo akong itulak palayo? What do you want me to do, huh? How can I ever be worthy of staying by your side?"

Uminit ang sulok ng mga mata ko. "Look, it's not that you aren't worthy of me. It's the other way around. You deserve better."

"I don't need better," he trailed off, "when you're the best for me."

How could I tell him?

How could I ever tell him that as much as I wanted to stay by his side, I was scared that I would make matters worse? Kung pipiliin kong makasama siya sa puntong 'to ng buhay ko, lahat ng kalungkutan at hinagpis ko'y mapupunta rin sa kaniya.

I grew up always independent, and when a virtue like that gets tattooed on your bones since time immemorial, it's impossible to divert from it. Nakasanayan ko nang mag-isa. The demons I had alone were much more comfortable to be with than the demons I didn't know—the demons from people who would be there at some point in my life and would leave me at some point, too. Hindi ko kailangan ng temporaryong tao sa puntong 'to ng buhay ko.