7th of February.
Rhiley,
I really, really thought that this would be easier. But, it really fucking isn't. All I ever do is think about you and the way you looked at me when I told you I was leaving you for such a selfish fucking reason. The boys tried to convince me to call you. But I couldn't. Not now. I need to time to let myself heal. I know I don't deserve to heal in any way and I know that I should just let myself fall to shreds overtime but I have a job to do and I want to do it because I love it. Sometimes I think maybe I love it more than you. But then I remind myself that I'm a stupid fucking idiot and that I could never love anything more than I love you.
We got to LA yesturday and I wish you could've seen it. And I've never hurt so badly than when I looked out at that view and wished I was looking over at you. I love you. I do. I really, really do. And I hope that one day you'll forgive me for the shit I've done. Especially to you. When you gave me my jumper back I knew then, in that very moment, what I was doing to you. I wish you had've kept it. Maybe then I would have felt a little bit better becuase at least you would remember us. Remember me.
I wrote a song about you today. It felt good to write it, but it hurts so much to sing it. Ashton had to physically carry me back into the house afterwards. He didn't say a word the whole time. Because he knows, and I know, and somehow that's enough. I wish it were enough for you. But it isn't. I'm so sorry. I really am. I wish I could take it all back and had dragged you onto that plane with me. I don't really know why I didn't. Probably cause I'm a stupid fucking idiot and I keep swearing at myself and destroying my body. All because of you.
I hope one day you'll read this and realise what a stupid idiot I am. Shit, you probably already know that. Which is good. But I want you to know, one day now or somewhere in the futre, that leaving you like that was the hardest fucking thing I will ever do.
Thank you for loving me while you did. I know why you kept my jumpers and I like to think about that because before I fucked it all up, you cared enough to want me, even the memory of me, around you at all times. So thank you for that.
Please don't ever change, baby.
Luke.
