9th of June.
Rhiley,
My beautiful, gorgeous, Rhiley. I made a mistake, and as far as I am or will ever be concerned, it was the worst one of my whole fucking life. I left you behind, thinking maybe it would be easier for you that way. I knew that with this life style I would hardly get to see you and I know how you would have felt about that. Wearing my jumpers or remembering our moments wouldn't have been the same, especially with 8 month long gaps in between making new ones. What I'm trying to say, and what I should have said that day, is that I wanted you to be happy. It's all I have ever wanted, and keeping you so you would be miserable every moment until I finally saw you wouldn't have been fair to you. I left you there, in pain and broken hearted because I selfishly wanted you to somehow stay happy. One day when you read this, which I feel will be soon, I know that whilst you may not understand everything I've done, I will always do it for you.
Do you remember that day when we spent the day together? The one when we walked in the park, bought Ice Cream from your favourite shop and watched the boys play on the swings? Do you remember the way you looked at me when you laughed or cracked a joke, the way you squinted your eyes and spread your lips so wide that they almost fell off your cheeks? Because I do. It's one of my favourite memories of us and of you. I think, no I know, that that was the day that I really properly fell for you. Looking at you be so happy and carefree, made me feel something that I'd never felt before. I wanted to protect you forever. I wanted to hold you in my arms and never ever let you go. In that moment, I felt my heart split in two, sharing itself with you. Because you have my heart hidden somewhere inside of you. You still do.
Ashton said he called you today. He told me you were happy, that you laughed and picked on him and his new hair. I'm happy about that. I really am. But I wish you would call me and laugh at my jokes and pick on my hair and my stupid little lip piercing. Calum saw me watching Ashton as he told me. He said that I should just come and see you. And I think, maybe I will.
I have decided I'm coming to see you. I know I shouldn't but I have to. Michael said he's going to put these letters in the mail today, once I finish writing this one. Baby girl, by the time you get this, by the time you read everything I've felt, I'll be turning up on your doorstep, hoping to Jesus that you'll forgive me. Maybe, somehow, you already have. I hope you have. Because I want to squish you into my arms and breathe in your perfume and kiss your perfect head.
You are my kriptonight. You are my superhero. Everything about you makes me better. Without you I'm not me. We made so many promises to each other and so many memories that I can never ever forget. And I want to make more with you.
Please wait for me.
Luke, still the dick head you broke your fucking heart but possibly the guy you still love.
