29th of February.
Dear Luke,
I'm finding it hard to remember your face and I don't think I've ever been more scared of reality in my life. I don't think I can cope. Tears are constantly slipping from my eyes, my hands have been shaking for the past three days and I don't think I remember what it's like to not have a pounding headache. For a while I was coping. Whatever that means. But, I don't think it's really working anymore.
I heard Wherever you are today and I cried. I want to say thank you. But you don't deserve it. What you deserve is to be tortured the same you're torturing me. It goes beyond my normal feelings to say that, but I want you to know what this feels like. To have some invisible hand clutching my fragile heart every moment of every day squeezing it until cracks begin to spiderweb all over it. But the thought of you in pain makes me hurt more. This is what you have dont to me. I don't know myself anymore. I was so sure about who I was, what I wanted to be. But now, I want to be nothing but invisible.
Your Mother turned up on my doorstep today. She hugged me and I cried. Maybe one day she'll tell you what I told her. But I hope when she does you'll be here with me and I'll be me again. Liz is a lovely woman. I don't want to lose her because of this, so I hope you don't mind me staying in contact with her. Somehow she made me smile. It felt wrong and weird and good. I hadn't noticed how much I'd needed it until she sat in my kitchen listening to everything I had to say, even if it was just about you.
It's been 26 days, 2 hours and 39 minutes since you left and I've listened to Wherever You Are 47 times. You suck, you know? You really fucking suck and I hope you loose your god damn beautiful voice. I want you to sing to me like you used to when we would lie in my bed at 2:30 in the morning and just feel each others presence. I want you to look at me the way you did when you would open your eyes and realise that I was already looking at you. I want you to hold my head the way you did when we would walk down the street and go and hang out with your 3 best idiots.
But I don't want you to see what I've become. Because after everything, I love you, and I think I'm beginning to be ok with that and the fact that you have a future that doesn't include me. I'm beginning to feel better. My Mum made me breakfast today and I ate every last bit of it. So maybe, just maybe, I am ok and I am beginning to forgive you. Because I still love you, and I always will and the times we shared were better than anything I will ever know.
Thank you for loving me the way you did, Luke Hemmings.
Rhiley x.
