3rd of March.
Dear Rhiley,
I don't think I can breathe without you. My body feels like it's wasting away into nothing because of the guilt and pain I feel because you're not here with me. I want to fly back to you, wrap you in my arms and never, ever let you go again. But I missed my chance and I think maybe I've lost you. Who am I kidding, really? I have lost you. I don't know if it's forever but it hurts. So fucking much I want to destroy everything around me.
We were busy today. People wanted to see us, hear us, touch us. It was amazing. For once I actually feel I've done what I've always wanted to do with my life and it gave me time to ignore the pain. When I'm on stage, in an interview or just being part of the band, I somehow find a way to forget what I did and how much it hurts and make people other than you happy. Music does that somehow. It takes your mind off all of the bad shit you've ever done or ever will do and shows you this world where anything is possible.
I know Michael talked to you. Maybe that fact should make me angry, but I want you to be connected to me in some way and I guess the only way that's possible is if you still talk to they lads. But I wish you would talk to me. For hours sometimes, I sit on my bed staring at your contact on the screen of my phone debating whether or not it would be ok if I called you. Every single time I convince myself you're better off without me now.
If anything good ever comes out of this I hope it will be the fact that there was a time when everything was perfect. You tought me what it was like to love someone, and not just light or simply. But in a complicated, painful way that made me so happy I would smile every moment of every day. You taught me that it was ok to be scared. If you weren't, you were an idiot and lying to yourself. I've only just realised now that I was scared of losing you and causing you pain, and now that I have, I hate myself.
I've been working on another song. You'd like it if I played it to you, but I can't. Because at the end of every day, I wish I could forget how deeply I loved you and how much of an impact you made on me and everyone I know. The song makes me cry. I've come too far to even feel any pain anymore, but I cry whenever I write something about you. Because when I do, it means you're cemented in place with me and it makes me realise that in reality I destroyed that possibility.
I don't know what else to say now. I love you. Still. Forever. Always.
Thank you. I'm sorry.
Luke, the dickhead who broke your fucking heart.
