Fallen Angel (Bruise Series #2)

04-

Were you sometimes questioning your existence in this world? Like what's your mission in this world? Is your life worth living?

I don't know. I'm completely lost right now, I'm in the edge of giving up. Guilt, Anger, Sadness were building inside my head. Kung hindi lang sana naki pag away si Alex kay Lola, Sana eh buhay pa sya!

That stupid Alex! Lola would've survive her illness if he didn't argue with her!

Now what? What am I gonna do about my life? If one of the important persons in my life died? How can I be able to survive this Disease if I lost one of my strengths?

This is his fault! Mukhang perang aso! I don't know how to express my frustrations to him! I can't even dare to talk because my stupid tears were always dropping!

I stood up and went to my room. Another day without Lola, another lonely day without Lolo making me laugh all the time. Another damn stupid day to spend! Hindi ko namalayan na sa sobrang galit ko ay na sugatan ko na ang kamay ko!

I smirked looking at the blood contagiously droping from my thin skin. I didn't know that self harming was this fun!

I suddenly felt good when I saw my hand bleeding earlier. I felt numb, no pain. Just me with my illicit pleasure.

So I harmed myself, I slashed the blade through my arm for a several times. I didn't even bother counting it. It was just so satisfying to see my hands bleeding. I stared at the cuts I made, my tears were suddenly dropping like a rain.

No feelings. I don't feel happy doing it, and I also don't feel sad doing those. Mamatay din naman ako diba?

The next following days was still the same just like the previous one. I slashed the blade through my right arm. Leaving 19 cuts, my birthday's coming.

But I don't feel any excitement right now.

Sometimes I feel like I'm sinking, and I can't breathe properly. It's like I lack energy on my body. I felt dehydrated, But still numb though. No pain, Just me myself and I doing the same shits everyday.

Until I got admitted again in the hospital. I kinda don't remember what happened, Ang natatandaan ko lang was that, pababa ako ng hagdan ng matalisud ako at mahulog. That's it.

The doctor said na paralysed ang left foot ko, Hindi daw muna ako gumalaw masyado dahil baka mas mag ka roun ng komplekasyon pag minove ko.

Then after that, they said na tulog ako for 3 days dahil nga nabaguk ang ulo ko sa stairs. Plus the fact na mahina ang katawan ko dahil may chronic luekemia ako. Somehow, I felt bad. Cause what I did the past few months was suicidal attempts.

Not Once, Twice, Trice, But several times. I stayed there for 4 months bago ako naka uwi ng bahay. When I got home, the house was still boring. Bihera lang akong kumustahin ni Lolo.

He got sick to.

Bakit ba prone kaming mga Paran sa sakit? Ano to spirito ng malas? Unlimited problems? Unlimited sakit? aba maawa ka naman saamin at hindi kami mga spartans!

I stopped praying, Hindi na din kami pumupunta ni Lolo sa Church. Minsan sha lang, ang rare na nga saaking mag punta ng simbahan. I just don't feel entering there.

Then yeah, I stopped believing him. Day by day my life was like a living hell, No improvements. Still me waking up at 4 pm, staying up late, Skipping meals.

And I'm not even drinking the meds that my doctor gave.

So unusual.

Then after a week, Lolo finally approached me. He cried, A lot. He said that he wasn't able to move on for the past 1 year. A life without Lola was hard specially for him.