A Court of Gardens and Assassins

Chapter Two: Flower Crowns and How to Make Them

The group of assassins who formed the Dusk Court watched Mulch from afar, taking in her every move. Gods they hated her.

Mulch had never done anything to them personally, but the fact that her mere existence was useless was enough to piss them all off.

"We need to sharpen the shovels," Bells told the rest of the high ladies who were both her friends and lovers. "We also need to discuss our plan. What is our course of action?"

"Blimey, I don't know, love," Heather said in a deep and overly exaggerated accent. "What I do know is I'm British."

"No fan fic would be complete without its token British person and this one is no exception. I'm so glad you're unironically here," Noelle said with a grateful smile.

"Bloody good," Heather said before sipping a cup of tea and demolishing a crumpet.

"I want to beat her with the fucking shovels and bury her in the garden. Use her as fertilizer for the flowers." Andrea replied casually, trying to get the story back on track instead of focusing on the attractive, British character.

Em shook her head from where she was and rolled her eyes at Mulch. "She's making a fucking flower crown."

Marisa looked to Mulch Mulcheron, "My shovel is ready, why wait?"

"Because we need a plan to make sure we succeed."

"Hey, is that the truth teller she's using to cut the flowers?" Noelle Arabella asked the others.

The rest of the High Ladies of the Dusk Court turned to look at Mulch, paying close attention as she cut more flowers.

"It is the truth teller." Sabrina confirmed.

"Bollocks," Heather yelled angrily to remind people that she was indeed British.

"Why the fuck does she have that? And why is she using it to cut flowers for her ridiculous fucking flower crown?"

Off in the distance, Mulch continued to cut flowers for a moment before deciding she had enough and stopped, setting the truth teller down.

"Hi guys!" She spoke to literally no one as if she were making a YouTube tutorial. Watching her talk to herself was like kissing someone and later seeing them at a family reunion: awkward as fuck. "Today I'm going to show everyone how to make a flower crown using pansies."

"It's mental illness, innit," Heather sighed.

"You have to be fucking kidding me." Marisa muttered, holding her shovel up just a little higher and pointing it towards Mulch.

Sabrina sighed and walked to where Mulch sat. She licked her finger and stuck it in Mulch's ear, giving her a wet willy. The court applauded from afar as Sabrina did what the majority of readers wish they could have done during all three ACOTAR novels.

Mulch whips her head around and looks at Sabrina, confused as to what just happened. No one had ever disrespected her before. Mulch was used to being simped over. "Who are you? Why would you do that? Would you like a flower crown? Please say yes, I literally have nothing else to offer."

"Would you like a personality first?" Sabrina sneered.

The court applauded again like white people when a plane landed successfully.

Mulch tilts her head in confusion. "I don't understand. What's a personality? I'm a person if that's what that means."

"It's something the two eldest Archeron sisters didn't inherit."

"Like money?" She asks. "Like when someone dies and you get something?"

Marisa walks away from the rest of the high ladies, grabbing a gardening glove Mulch had set down and using it to backhand her. She then walked away, her head held high. The rest of the high ladies are beaming with pride.

Mulch's eyes widen, tears starting to build up in them. "What?" She whispered to herself. She was amazed that none of the girls were willing to overlook her lack of personality because she was pretty and liked to garden.

She held a flower out to Sabrina even as she began to cry. "Would you like it?"

Sabrina grabs the flower nicely, then shoves it into Mulch's mouth causing her to choke.

"AHHH PLANTS ARE FRIENDS NOT FOOD" Mulch said between coughs. Eventually she was able to get it out of her mouth, now choking on air and some remnants of dirt.

The rest of the court laughs and are about to depart. Before they left, Noelle walked up to Mulch, yanking the truth teller out of her grip. "This does not belong to you! Why the fuck do you have this?"

DUN DUN DUN

DUN DUN DUN

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Fuck Count: 7