A Court of Gardens and Assassins

Chapter Ten: The High Ladies Ride the Bus to Flavortown (The War Begins)

After a rousing speech and remembering that the sooner the High Ladies got the war over with the sooner they could write the sex scene, they all flew over to Mulch's property in the Night Court.

The ladies all had their shovels in hand, whether to attack Mulch or do some adequate gardening was still to be determined.

From across the battlefield, which was her gardens, the High Ladies formed a strong line. Directly opposite to them was Mulch and Tampon.

The two sides just stood and stared at each other like two prepubescent children at their first middle school dance. 👁👄👁

"Who's that with them?" Avery questioned.

"That's Tampon," Judith said as if it was the most obvious thing ever.

Avery shook her head violently. "No, I mean the other dude with them."

"Oh him? That's Francisco Lachowski who's featured in every Wattpad fan fiction. He's just here to fulfill his contractual obligation to Wattpad. Don't mind him," Rhysand said.

"Shit, ok," Avery said with a sultry smirk, her blue orbs roving over his body. "You sure you don't wanna switch loyalties?" She asked.

"No," the man said, unbuttoning the top layers of his black shirt for a reason lost on the High Ladies, "I'll stick with Tampon and Mulch™."

"Horrible group name," muttered Rhys, "I bet I could come up with a better name than that. The main cast of Twilight? I like that one better."

"Me too!" Mulch beamed glad to be included in something for once.

"Mulch, don't agree with him," Tampon snarled like the beast he is, hints of claws shining at his knuckles like Wolverine. "He's the enemy."

"Oh." Mulch said uselessly. Like her. Useless.

"Oh, look at me," Bells mocked, "I'm Tampon, and I'm so sexually frustrated that I can't form three words without gaining claws and a horrible attitude." The female stuck out her tongue. None of the High Ladies cared for Tampon much. To them, he was like Nascar or Norwegian politics; they just didn't give a fuck.

That was enough to make Tampon lunge. With a useless yelp from useless Mulch, he flew into the air, shifting into his weird wolf-deer-cat form. He landed in front of an unimpressed Marisa.

"It's the curly horns for me." The female said, looking Tampon up and down in a sweep of disapproval. Surprise and fury glinted in his green orbs, even as he just stood there snarling like a confused raccoon that met another confused raccoon.

"Where's Az, Mulch?" Cassian said, voice lower than a college students credit score.

"I don't remember." The girl said her voice shaking more than someone with Parkinson's or a chihuahua in the cold. It was as if shocked that someone would actually bother talking to her.

Bells slid a twenty into Noelle's hand, the latter not so secretly whispering, "told'ya the useless bitch would forget." Bells rolled her orbs in a motion as circular as the orbs themselves.

Francisco was silently watching the tense argument like a kid whose parents were getting divorced at a family dinner and stepped up to Tampon's side. His face was full of pure anger as he threw a punch shittier than the ACOSF cover towards Avery's face. She caught it, pushing him backward. He stumbled over the foot Andrea had placed behind his own, landing flat on his ass. The movement sprung Tampon into motion faster than a frat guy on any semi-drunk female, the half-drunk female being Heather. The garden erupted in chaos as Heather bitch slapped Tampon with a biscuit and the High Ladies attacked. The boys did little more than watch like Cassian does when Willy Wonka absolutely obliterates Avery's windpipe (but that's later and she's fine with it dw it's how she wanted to go).

Francisco was still on his ass from the first fall he took. He tried to rise like an old man trying to get an erection. And like an old man trying to get an erection, he failed miserably because he had no help (whether physically or medically) because Kaylee stopped him. She took him down with a five-inch heel to the neck. Tampon was all but in a straight jacket, and that left the High Ladies (and the bat boys, but they did nothing) with one more thing to deal with.

"Mulch." Sabrina ground out. "Tell us where he is."

"Who?" The useless bitch actually didn't know. There was real confusion in her useless eyes. She'd done nothing during the fight, too busy laying down and talking to the grass at our feet to even realize anything had happened.

"Azriel." Fury lit Cassian hazel eyes. "That's my top."

"Ohhh," Mulch said in her useless voice, "He's on a boat."

"Where," Judith said at the same time as Em said, "What boat."

Mulch covered her ears, "You guys talked at the same time, that's too chaotic for me :( "

The other High Ladies, along with the bat boys, looked up in surprise, how the fuck did Mulch just say ":("

Putting that aside, Kaylee took off her other five inch heel and pointed it at Mulch's throat, the other one still busy with Fransisco's neck. "Take us there."

"Okayyy," Mulch groaned.

"Who gets the pleasure of taking Mulch?" Judith asked. Everyone's hands instantly went to their noses faster than Willy came. (again, later)

"What about Tampon?" Marisa asked, eyeing him like Donald Trump did any minority subset.

"To the Spring gardens he goes," Marie said.

"I'll take him," Kaylee said. "Call yourself Feyre cuz you're about to be locked up in your mansion."

And with that, Kaylee grabbed his neck tighter than Heather's gorilla grip fucking coochie and left.

The remaining High Ladies took to the skies with the bat boys after Rhysand went through Mulch's mind to find where Az was. It didn't take long to find as her mind was as blank as Feyre's canvases after Under the Mountain.

As Cassian flew, he whispered, "Let's all ride the bus to flavortown."