[of dreams and galaxies]

[ Almost Alive]

I tried writing a poem and the words turned around and whispered too vulnerable into my ear and my heart is crumbling again because I don't write my vulnerability but it's what's coming out of my mouth just this once so I say I'm not vulnerable. Because not a tear fell from my eyes when my father yelled in the house, and my stomach had an anxiety attack but my mouth didn't dare utter a voice. so I say I've become strong into my pillow late at night and sleep is not here yet and I've become strong or immune to the yells I think and does my heart not feel anymore? and I'm whispering that maybe there's a sea where my heart used to be. it has learned to stay calm while there's a thunderstorm going outside. it still stutters you see the sea I mean. for I bite my lips so hard it almost bleeds and I'm trying to sleep but I almost start crying and I'm looking at my wrist and I almost stop breathing. now my life is a bunch of almost, too many almost and not enough air to breathe. So I keep holding my breathe and write poems about my traumas like a fucking sadistic and not cry but bleed as in my words have become the knife I pull out of my chest and it gives way to air but it also bleeds. So much so that I almost believed I'm dead but not at the same time and what is being alive anyway, a woman then a woman then a daughter then a nobody then again a woman and not human enough to be respected and God should have made me a knife rather then a daughter and I'm thinking how much more I can take until I crumble,fall to the ground and loose sight of myself until all is left of me is what others want from me not what I can give not what I'm capable of. And just this once I say this is not a poem but blood out of my mouth, my heart in my throat and all my vulnerability but I'm not done yet you see and I believe my heart is an ocean and God, can I fucking stop metaphoring my whole life but my trauma is still pulling the knife out of my chest and I was almost happy but then there's just another addition of almost.