Night Journeys

August 13 2020

(that's not my house lol in case you were wondering)

Some of the songs I listened to that night (in order) (one's with asterisks are the ones that changed my train of thought throughout the night): In Luv with U - Finn*, Tokyo - RM, Our Dawn - Aurai*, Cry -Gryffin and John Martin*, I See Fire (Kygo Remix) - Ed Sheeran*, Watch Me Burn - Michele Morrone, ilomilo - Billie Eilish*, Wrong Crowd - Tom Odell, Silent Night - Pentatonix, Blue (ft. Alex Hope) - Troye Sivan, Still With You - Jungkook 

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The clock reads midnight, the end to the day or perhaps you choose to look at it as the fresh start to another. The windows are open, blinds fully up, curtains pulled all the way to the side. The street light in front of my house floods into my bedroom creating a perfect outline of the double windows on the wall across from them. Creating enough light to illuminate the room, yet still make the fine details seem hazy.

The sky outside is a navy blue, lit up from surrounding city lights. The air outside is still, I can tell, since there's no sway in the nearby trees. Every once in a while a car's headlights will break the tranquility of the setting, however it quickly returns to its previous state. It's a beautiful, calm night.

Sitting on my bed, adjacent to the wall with the windows, I find myself staring off into space. Either watching the clock count minutes, the outside world slowly progress yet show no signs, or staring at the curtains that sway due to my fan that's turned on which creates a nice white noise.

However, I am not bored. Not the slightest. Sure, the quiet music I have playing through my headphones contributes to that, but not completely. I'm at peace, yet my mind is a war zone of topics. It's amazing how as dark room, only lit by a street light and a blue-light digital clock, can take someone from reality, yet make them feel more down to earth than they've ever felt.

It's here where I have the deepest thoughts as cliché as it sounds. Being alone, knowing that others are sleeping in the house- yet I'm awake- is very comforting in a way. It's assuring that I can think through things at my own time and solve my own problems at peace.

Staring outside, my attention cast onto the tree next to white light post, I see how the light shines onto it. Hitting each leaf at a different angle, some soaking in the light and some still cast in darkness. It looks like hands clasped together, praying. Looking at the tree diagonal to it which also intermixes with the hands-together tree, I see it morph to a man's face before my eyes just like a cloud in the sky does when you finally figure out what it looks like. His eyes are closed and his lips lay together- not pursed- simply in a straight line. He's praying. This makes me think to my relationship with the Christian God. I'm agnostic. Meaning I neither believe nor not believe in God. I simply lay in between the two, listening to others' opinions and just taking them in, processing them for myself. I understand the possibility of a god or gods existing, yet there's not enough proof for me to say I fully believe. However, not believing in a divine power seems almost foreign to me since I was raised in a Christian family. Therefore, I find myself happily, yet "in the closet", agnostic.

The song on my shuffled playlist chances to one with a darker meaning. (Cry -Gryffin and John Martin / ilomilo - Billie Eilish ) My eyes shift to stare at the wall across from me. My train of thought darkens, thinking now to how luck I am. It makes me feel bad sometimes when I get jealous of what nice things others have, when I have perfectly fine things myself. Things other people don't have. I was raised in a stable home with a steady income. I'm not filthy rich, but my family and I are able to maintain a healthy life style with more than enough food on our plate, new technologies, and working relationships. I'm very thankful for what I have, even if I don't always act like it. And, it's not that I pity people who are less fortunate, but I do have empathy for them. I try to put myself mentally in their shoes and I really can't fully imagine it. Whether it's starving yourself because you can't feed your family and yourself, living on the damp streets and shivering at night, hiding under your bed from your dad who comes home drunk because you're scared he will lay a hand on you again, locking all ten locks on your doors and always making sure your windows are shut and sealed since you don't live in a "good" area, fearing for your life for some circumstance, or maybe even holding your fathers gun in your hand because you just can't take it anymore. My heart goes out to anyone who feels like that. I'm so, so sorry that I can't help you. I want to help you. I want to be there to help you through it.