It's been a while.
It's 3:24pm (15:24), overcast, and I'm sitting looking at my Dell Monitor wondering what I'm even doing. I'm switching through tabs--Discord and Wattpad--sharing my thoughts and feelings with my friend while also finding it somewhat comforting writing about it here.
I've lost myself, again. But this time much worse.
The last time I wrote a Night Journey I was so happy with my life. Now, I look into the mirror to see a lost foreigner. And let me tell you, cutting your hair doesn't solve all problems. I tried it. It does boost confidence for a week, and then it all dissipates.
I miss who I was back then. I was exercising and feeling good about myself, I was eating better, I was writing my thoughts and feelings down more, I was genuinely happy. I lost myself. I lost all of that. Now I'm just tired, lonely, trying to get through each day without showing anyone how I really feel. I'm tired of living like this. I want to change.
I want to go back to loving who I was, because I don't anymore. Sure, some days I can feel pretty, but I always make sure I'm sitting in the right position for my double chin to not show, I feel disgusting when I lay down for more than a couple hours. Now I use certain filters on Snapchat because they extenuate my features. It's a lie.
My friends, with an exception of really 2 of them, don't include me in things anymore. I lost my friend group, again. Time to look for another one. Yay......
It's 3:50pm (15:50), I searched up "all alone playlist" on Spotify and not surprisingly multiple choices came up. Sad times call for sad music, right? When no one else is there, the songs make you feel understood.
I hope you guys are happy with yourselves. You deserve to be. It's your life, and the only person responsible for making you happy is you. You are the only one who can. So do things for yourself, it's not selfish. Take some time away from others and treat yourself. Life is fucking hard, but don't be hard on yourself. You don't deserve that.
And for anyone going through something similar to me, let me share some advice that one of my closest friends shared with me: "This is an age where relationships are really hyped, arguably the most hyped they'll ever be and friend groups charge a whole lot during this time. Unfortunately it's normal, because everybody is figuring out what's best for them, and sometimes because of how much we change, the people we have been close with can't be there the way we need them. Real friends, however, make the time, and you deserve to have friends who do that."
I'll try to keep you updated on how the process of finding myself again goes, but I suspect it will be along and hard process. And, if you ever need me, my DMs are always open.
-----------------
[Unedited; Apologies For My Mistakes] 485 Words
YOU ARE READING
Night Journeys
AcakDo you ever have those nights where the mood lighting is perfect, the music gets you in the feels, and you just let your mind wander? I tend to around midnight, or in the very early hours of the morning. Each chapter in the story was written during...
