Titanium: a glee fic (S4)

The New Rachel

I stood in the back of the auditorium watching the four of them make a fool out of themselves fighting over something that they obviously just wanted as a popularity contest. 

Popularity... the term disgusts me. 

Why waste my life trying to impress people who I don't even fucking like.

Now don't get me wrong, I am as fucked up and psychologically abused as they come.  But the events of this summer really just broke me.  I honestly, don't know what to do, I feel like I'm Helen Keller and someone stuck my sorry ass in the Labyrinth.  But of course nobody else knows anything, except Bella, and Sebastian.  Again, for the same reasons as before, I don't want anyone's pity.  And, because it would be a constant reminder of something that I have been spending all of my summer trying to bury deep within me.  That ache, that dread, and hate, it was eating me alive, but not now,

now I forget.

I took my steps up onto the stage and laid down after they had left the auditorium.  I dangled my feet off the edge, as I slipped on my head phones and took a deep breath. Rhianna's voice echoed into my ears.

I've been ignoring this big lump in my throat
I shouldn't be crying,
tears were for the weaker days
I'm stronger now, or so I say,
But something's missing

Whatever it is,
it feels like it's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror
Whatever it is,
it's just laughing at me
And I just wanna scream

What now? I just can't figure it out
What now? I guess I'll just wait it out (wait it out)
What now? Oh, oh, oh, oh! What now?

I found the one, he changed my life
But was it me that changed
And he just happened to come at the right time
I'm supposed to be in love
But I'm numb again

Whatever it is,
it feels like it's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror
Whatever it is,
it's just sitting there laughing at me
And I just wanna scream

What now? I just can't figure it out
What now? I guess I'll just wait it out (wait it out)
What now? Please tell me
What now?

There's no one to call 'cause I'm just playing games with them all
The more I swear I'm happy, the more that I'm feeling alone
'Cause I spent every hour just going through the motions
I can't even get the emotions to come out
Dry as a bone, but I just wanna shout

What now? I just can't figure it out
What now? I guess I'll just wait it out (wait it out)
What now? Somebody tell me
What now?

I don't know where to go
I don't know what to feel
I don't know how to cry
I don't know oh oh why
I don't know where to go
I don't know what to feel
I don't know how to cry
I don't know oh oh why
I don't know where to go
I don't know what to feel
I don't know how to cry
I don't know oh oh why

So what now?

And with that, I locked my feelings inside of me,

hopefully never to be seen again.