Does the Rain Ever Stop?: Poems and Musings

for mateo

Some nights,
I look up at the sky and I can see your smile.
Some may call it a delusion,
But it is a superpower.
To still see you.
To still hear your laugh.
To remember the little smirk you did,
Or how red your face got when I said something inappropriate.
I never got to tell you that you light up a room,
That your energy sent sparks flying,
That you are so much sunshine in such a dark world and it breaks my heart.
I miss you.
I know you didn't like hugs,
Didn't like letting people close to you,
But I wish I had sat with you while you cried more often.
I love you and goddammit I miss you more every day.
After you left,
I hugged your office chair every time I would go into work.
When we moved offices,
I had a panic attack and couldn't stop crying because I didn't know which chair was yours anymore.
If you are listening I hope you are where you needed to be.
I said this at your funeral and I'll say it again.
"I hope you found the peace you were looking for"
Because you deserve to have peace.
Thank you for coming into my life.
Thank you for everything.