august 1st, 2021//1AM

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1AM// I haven't slept in 47 hours and as I approach hour 48, I see my demons in the corner of my room// One perched on top of another, stacked up like a haunted snowman, I blink rapidly and they are gone but my heart is still racing

It is 60 degrees in my room but somehow sweat still drips off of my forehead onto the keyboard of my Chromebook and I have to wipe it with a paper towel to keep typing

The overhead light in my space is like a warm glow surrounding a black hole// I try to look up from my computer every so often to make sure I haven't been sucked in

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better is playing through my headphones, and it's funny because my Imposter Syndrome is rampant tonight//It is fitting to be taunted in this way, this anthem of self confidence blaring as I feel a heavy weight of shame, "not good enough" playing in my head, overpowering the sound of the speakers

On nights like these, I can feel my fingers tingle with the overwhelming feeling of loneliness, aching to reach out, but I sit writing poetry instead// it's ironic how I'm an extrovert, but I'd rather suffer here in silence than surround myself with others// I am an emotional sponge and I do not want to wring myself out onto others who are unable to absorb it// I do not want to be the thing that causes them to drown

I am so protective of the people I love that I would rather bleed out, intricate red designs in all corners, spelling out how I really am a tortured artist//How much torture is art worth? I am not sure but I may die trying to find out

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