protect your head and maybe your heart too

numb

Agency training made me numb in a way. I've learned to not dwell and move on, and it's worrying. My uncle passed away, and I was fine within two hours to go to work. It's not healthy, because then it just hits harder later, but in my (our?) line of work, it needs to be done.

We used to have another agent in our office. Kevin, agent 439.

Let's say you're reading this because you've forgotten your memories. In that case, I won't give you all the details. We're better without the trauma.

Lets just say,

Normally when Damian covers my eyes I hate it because it makes me feel like a child. But this time I was grateful.

Also, don't hold a bomb if you don't know when it's gonna go off.

Anyway.

The whole office floor went to some intense agent therapy and we were back in business before our next mission.

Because that shit happens. You can't do anything about it.

Just don't dwell, and move on.

Rip Kevin.

Took me a hot minute to move on this time. It's March, and I think this has been going good so far this year. I was painting some flowers Shane had taken a photo of.

Painting was really therapeutic for me. It always made me feel better to put a brush to a canvas and just let my emotions out.

I painted on a muted yellow. While yes, I didn't miss being Janis Sarkisian anymore, I felt paranoid.

Without being an agent and the weapons I had (never liked using them, but it was a nice reassurance) I feel like anyone could attack at any time and I'd be helpless.

The flowers were pale blue, so next I mixed that on my pallet.

It felt weird, to be so moved on, but so fearful of the past that follows me.

Like at any moment, this new life I've built could be derailed.

I used to pray for triple H to be caught, but now I'm not so sure.

I don't wanna leave Cady.

Yeah, I don't want triple H to catch us first, but....

I dunno.

I start spreading out a blue blob. My painting style is very, trust the process. The more detail I add, the more flowers take place.

But for now, it looks like goo.

...

"Janis?"

I'm broken out of my painting trance by Damian.

"Plastics are here for dinner."

I nod and look at the painting I've created. You can definitely tell it's a flower now, but it still looks a little flat. I'll add more later.

Damian leaves to go downstairs and I get changed quickly.

By the time I'm downstairs everyone is already sitting waiting to eat.

"Sorry to keep you guys waiting." I say, sitting next to Damian.

"No worries, this was very last minute anyway." Regina shook her head. "There is something we actually need to talk about."

"Whats up?" Damian asks.

Regina looks between us, and I feel a put start to form in my stomach.

Is it that bad?

"We've been seeing a lot of Jock 1 and 2 in our town recently. We think they know we're there."