(yes i know the yule ball takes place in goblet of fire but this is like near the end of 3rd year so just ignore it)
for weeks me and draco kept up a facade, although.. it kind of wasn't? he was as usual normally but at ten thirty every night we would meet, sit on the sumptuous green velvet couch in the lavish common room. we sit facing each other, cross-legged with my green blanket over us. we would just talk. i've learned a lot about him in the past few weeks. i've learned about how he feels about his family, how his father is a death eater... but that's a secret. he is so much more than just a nobhead.
i've written seventy-three more pages of the background girl despite having no inspiration. i've started a new story.. why don't i hate him? everything i write is always so personal, but this is by no doubt the most personal story i've written.
i was walking through the hall with mara, books clasped to my chest because i had so many and i didn't want to drop them. i could tell something was up with mar, so i asked and she stopped biting her already tiny nails to say;
"have you seen connor has dyed his hair brown? i saw him and cedric diggory and some other ravenclaw by a tree, he looked at me..."
i turned my head and gave her a pitiful look. i don't know why connor cram has been avoiding mar this entire year but it has obviously got something to do with cinnamon. it still bothers mara. even now.
as we were walking down draco sauntered past, followed by crabbe, goyle, blaise and pansy.
"going wedding dress shopping, potter? quite offended i wasn't invited to yours and grangers eloping."
the others laughed and it pleased pansy greatly that he was being rude to me.
i stopped in my tracks, usually i would roll my eyes and walk off, but today i replied.
"oh sorry, my bad! you weren't invited because i was afraid you'd get jealous."
we marched r off and mara was laughing in hysterics at draco's bright red embarrassed face. it was a strange clash of emotions because he was obviously embarrassed but he was grinning.. i was crimson in the face because i don't usually do things like that but it was quite fun.
i thought about draco in every lesson today. im starting to see the bright side of things.. yes i should hate him.. but how can i? when he looks like that? when he makes me feel like this? when he's so funny? when the best part of my day is him?
i contemplated telling hermione about my feelings, but i was so scared she would hate me.
i thought about it whilst eating, i looked over onto the gryffindor table and decided i would tell her. tonight.
we were sat under a shelter, we hadn't spoken in a good week, life kind of swept us away. she told me about harry's god father, sirius black. i was still wary of sirius. hermione told me about how he was set up, but after spending twelve years in azkaban you can never be too cautious...
t it was lightly snowing so there was a white layer above the old wooden shelter and hogwarts looked winsome. i was listening delightfully to hermione babble on about mr. lupin, animaguses, scabbers (ron's rat) being the traitor peter pettingrew. her dramas were so interesting i could listen to her talk for hours. i kind of zoned out and watched her jaw go up and down so fast, because she was so passionate about what she was saying.
it was serene and tranquil and all i could hear was hermione's strong accent and the sound of snow crunching in the distance.
the word "draco" pulled me out of my daydream and hermione started telling me about how she had punched him. i could t help but snigger at the thought.
"so.. what's new with you?" she seems uncomfortable. like there was something she wanted to ask but felt discombobulated.
"that is what i wanted to talk to you about.. please don't hate me, but,"
hermione made eye contact with me but broke it instantly. i think she may have known what i was about to say.
"i think.. i- well, you see recently-"
she stopped me before i could finish, took in a large breath and responded to my struggled stutter.
"you have feelings for draco."
she blurted our in less than a second.
"well.. more or less, yes."
i couldn't look her in the eye. she probably detests me now. i wouldn't blame her.
"it's okay, grace. i mean i don't know why you would ever want to even be near that.."
she cleared her throat as she was getting herself worked up.
"it's okay."
i grinned, it was so unexpected.
"you don't hate me?"
hermione smiled, but furrowed her eyebrows.
"of course not. i may not understand why, but i'm happy for you. are you going to go to the yule ball with him?"
i completely forgot about the yule ball. just the thought of it made me anxious. would he ask me? i doubt it. i don't even want to go to the ball. especially not with draco. i don't want everyone to see us together. it's draco. he's just.. he's bad. everyone would know about us. and he's a bad person. i hate him so much, why did it have to be him? of all people? him?
"no, i don't want to go to the ball. i'd have to get all dressed up and it's just way too much work."
this is what i said when anyone asked me something similar. in the films, there is a ball and the girl has a makeover, and looks beautiful. when i do this i look like a clown and go in to a fit of despair because i become even more insecure than i already happen to be.
"besides, draco wouldn't ask me. i'm getting far too ahead of myself, i don't even know if he likes me!"
she raised her eyebrows and smiled at my last remark, almost as if to say 'that's what you think..'
"hermione, how did.. how did you know?"
the corners of her mouth were battling a smile.
"oh.. rumours. not about you, more about draco."
my heart started racing. blaise.. pansy.. now hermione? what were these rumours?
"what rumours?"
i asked. i was worried of what she might reply with but i said it anyway.
"well.. cho chang saw you and draco talking as she was passing the outside of the slytherin common room. she passes nightly and says she has seen you a lot. also, draco mentioned something to blaise zabini and he won't shut up about it. you needn't worry about draco not liking you, grace. i think that's been established. she chuckled whilst smiling at the floor.
my heart was racing even faster, but not in an anxious way this time. was draco thinking about me as much as i was thinking about him? i must cross his mind if he had given me enough thought to speak of me to his friends.
that night there was an assembly in the great hall to celebrate our first yule ball. there wasn't really any point me going, seeing as though i wouldn't be attending the yule ball but there would be a magnificent feast and i hadn't eaten since breakfast. it was seven forty, and the assembly started at eight. i went up to my room to change out of my uniform. everyone else was already in the hall so i was the only one in the girls dormitory, or so i thought.
i picked out a cream jumper my mother had knitted for me before i left for third year. it still smelt like home, like the smell of country grass, the sweet sent of my mother's hand cream, the tangerine washing powder.. i wore this with my black jeans and luckily as i'd only just put t on i grabbed my uniform off of the floor and heard the door open. i assumed it was millicent bulstrode come to ask what i was doing, but as i briskly glanced behind me i saw it was not millicent, rather draco.
"what are you doing here?!"
i closed the door in order that no one would see him.
"you know you're not allowed in the girls dormitory, you could get yourself suspended you idiot!" i carried on grabbing my uniform off of the floor and putting it into my clothes box. handy thing, was tiny but very large on the inside. magic is so convenient. after i had done about a moment later i stood up straight and inhaled for a long fifteen seconds, and turned around.
"what is it you want, draco?"
i tried my best to look nonchalant, but in the quietness of the room you could probably hear my abnormally fast heart beat.
draco, however, was smiling.
i kept up my poker face.
"nice to see you too, potter."
i rolled my eyes at him and he stepped closer, so i could see his face properly in the light. we were still about 2 metres away from each other.
"come to the yule ball with me"
i raised my eyebrows at this, it is not what i was expecting him to say at all.
"draco.."
i started, i was pounding with happiness that he wanted to go with me.. that he liked me.. of course i wanted to go with him. but what choice do i have? he's a bad person. i shouldn't be with him. i hate him.
"i'll wait at the bottom of the stairs for you at eight o'clock. if you don't show up in ten minutes, fair enough. but. i hope you decide to come with me."
i was bursting with joy on the inside, adrenaline was coursing through me and i wanted to hug him and jump up and not let go.. but alas i turned around and started fiddling with the clothes in my box.
i turned around, which was a stupid idea beccause i had no idea what to say. i jumped because when i did he was right in front of me, the smell of his aftershave was close enough to imprint onto my home-y jumper and his minty breath was eye-opening. i shakily breathed in, i was so caught up in the moment, in the feeling of my heart shivering.
he smirked at me, and i was so close to him i looked up and could see his icy white teeth.
"scared, potter?"
he said slowly, elongating the words in a mumbly voice that made me feel so.. i can't even describe.
i pulled myself together. i raised my eyebrows ever so slightly and lifted my chin.
"you wish, malfoy."
he was so close to kissing me and i was so close to kissing him that the feeling of being in that moment is so indescribable.
he gently tucked my hair behind my ears, and looked me up and down whilst grinning, walking away.
i felt dizzy. there is no way that just happened. i wanted to pass out but i also wanted to cry but i also wanted to squeal with excitement and go sing to the whole of hogwarts about how happy i am. instead of that brilliant idea i decided to go sit in the great hall, late as i might be, and watch draco from across the table, to see if he was as elated as i am.
after five minutes i realised that i was planning to stand him up at the ball. what do i do? i don't want to hurt him, of course. but i also don't want to go to the ball. why is it that when it comes to him there is always impossible choices? what is it i say.. oh yes. i hate him.
i sighed. no i don't...
