Feels Like the First Time

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Breakdown

CW: So this chapter hurt me a lot to write but I'm pretty pleased with it. It's intense, I know reading this would upset me if I were having a rough time so please be careful. Love you all and would never want to upset anyone.

The smile felt painful as I was huddled in another group of girls, but it was all I could do to stop the tears. I hadn't dropped like this in a long time but my mind was whirling, derision dripping with poison swimming through my head and latching onto everything. The dress now felt itchy, and too revealing, and too clingy, and just stupid. My hair was ridiculous, too big and curly where the other women had elegant updos or sleek, silky straight hair. My makeup was too harsh and intense where the women here looked glowing and natural. All of this was just stupid, for coming like this, for not being prepared, for letting myself fall –

Nope, don't go there! I ordered myself as the heavy lump in my throat threatened to choke me. The women laughed and I felt myself chuckle along with them, nodding blankly as they spoke. I excused myself and took long strides towards the doors nearest to me. The balcony was gloriously empty and I took a deep, heaving breath for what felt like the first time in an hour. Was that how long it had been? The twilight sky seemed to suggest as much, considering it wasn't even dark when we'd arrived.

At this, the anger sparked within me; my mind warred with itself. Sure, maybe I was to blame for the fact that we'd never discussed what we are or if we're exclusive, or even if he was going to tell people about our ... thing. Maybe it wasn't a thing to him, maybe it was just fun. I felt my face crumble at that but my anger had now taken root. I felt humiliated, abandoned and worthless; and that was before my mind went wild with self-deprecation. I had spent far too much of my life feeling like this to let it just go, or to even allow myself to be to blame for him spending an hour dancing with other women, without even checking on me!

That thought though had my stomach churning, anxiety crawling up my throat as a choked sob forced its way out. My hands slapped over my mouth to mute any further noises, nails digging into my cheeks in an attempt to calm down. My mind was screaming but one thought stood out; I needed to leave, immediately. With a nod, my hands slowly dropped, I quickly turned back into the ballroom. No one even looked at me as I strode through the room, shoulders back and head high like the sight of him still dancing in my periphery wasn't making my heart crumble. Just walk, just walk, just walk, I chanted to myself as he spun the bright young woman away from him and back into his arms again as she let out a petal soft giggle.

I traced my earlier path back to the room where I'd changed and feverishly put my clothes back on, reminding myself not to throw the borrowed heels at the ground in anger and shaky frustration. In record time, my earlier outfit was back on, and I was striding back to the main entrance. I smiled and caught the attention of one of the men who'd met us at the car earlier, walking to him and feeling my emotions lock in place slightly as my usual polite mask slipped on.

"Apologies, is there anyway I could get a taxi called, please?" I asked in smooth Japanese, he blinked quickly then nodded, pulling out a radio. He spoke into it in hushed tones before putting it away and bowing slightly to me.

"Master Tamaki has assigned chauffeurs for tonight's event. The driver will be here in a moment and will take you wherever you need to go, madame." I smiled in relief and thanked him. I stepped forward and away from him to wait for the car as the relief washed through me. I paid no mind when I heard the man speak into the radio once more, his tones far too hushed for me to decipher and my mind was already whirling too fast again for me to really care. The anxiety was crawling again as I saw a black car move up the drive; it moved so slowly, I had to clench my hands to stop myself from rushing over and leaping into the car.