Starlight | Fillie

Too Good To Be True

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What happens in Toronto stays in Toronto. This is what Millie promised herself once her lips parted from Finn's ones that night.

It seemed like one of those promises you can't ever break; a self-imposition you never intend to reveal, no matter what. A secret kiss to bury in the grave.

All of that happened in the beginning of April in Canada, her tears, his drunk words, their fights—they belong to the past as they finally decided to rekindle what was left of their friendship.

But this is not the only thing she has to do.
Millie needs to do now is focusing on her mental health and following her therapy with Doctor Wellington.

Twenty days after coming back from Toronto, Millie can see the first improvements in her precarious life.

They are small achievements, yet very meaningful: the fact she can resist going on without sealing antidepressants, or the fact that she can finally recognize life for what it is and not mistaking it for projections of her mind...
It's a victory.

Yet, there were days in which she came home from work and everything went short circuit.

Moments where loneliness was the only option and disconnecting from whatever bad thought was the only thing she could do to overcome her sadness. A mechanical defense system against her self-destruction.

Her fame was too much to deal with in recent times.
The expectations and new projects or model campaigns were driving her insane. Let alone her newest movies that had to come out soon, like The Girls I've Been or The Thing About Jellyfish, or the new Enola Holmes movie...

Robert was expecting the Oscar nomination, and Millie prayed every night to get one, so that he could be happy and leave her finally alone.

Failing wasn't admitted this time.

Because what her family didn't know was that every little disappointment or overthinking oh hers translated into a cigarette.

Back in London, Millie smoked one pack of Lucky Strike per day. Something she will never admit to her parents and that she had to quit while living in Atlanta for filming.

People would have questioned—and she couldn't allow it.

So she switched dependence: a pill instead of five cigarettes. Destroying her mind was better than destroying her lungs and her 50,000 dollars worth smile anyway.

No one buys copies if you have a crooked smile or vampire fangs.

Yes, it sounded like a solid plan in her mind though she didn't know that abusing pills would lead to her hallucinations.

Errors of a naive and depressed girl who didn't know what to do. Chaos is a pretty good leader when your mind is lost.

And what was even more ironic was that she didn't fully quitted smoking; occasionally, it came back, mixed with alcohol and medications. What a fool. What an absolute idiot she was.

She tried to convince herself that it was just one cigarette from time to time, but it wasn't true. You can lie to anybody but not to yourself.

Millie hates herself for being the only cause of her suffering and illness, but she is too weak to take a gun and shoot herself in the head. Plain and simple: she is afraid to die.

Her stream of thought is never ending and it always happens when she steps a foot inside of Doc Wellington's office. It's like she knows that when she is there she has to deal with her phantoms.