Fleeting Moments With You

025

I looked at the unit I had lived on for months – the unit next to Dahyun's. It was neat but because it was nearly empty, and I was leaving. I sighed as I pulled at the strap of the bag that contained my clothes. With a final glance, I locked the door behind me.

I had come to my final decision. I was ready to start a new life.

I took slow steps, trying to remember the path that I had been taking. This would be the last time that my feet would crash onto this pavement and I let my steps linger for a short while. The street was illuminated by the lights that came from the streetlamp and the houses. My eyes kept wandering around, trying to preserve the scenery into my mind. Despite the heart-breaking memories, it was still a place that I considered home.

Unknowingly, I was humming 'Fix You' and when I realized it, I stopped for the song had become one tainted with my memory with her. I bit my lower lip as I kicked the dirt underground, trying to distract myself from thinking that I haven't seen Dahyun for long. But I knew that saying goodbye to her would just destroy what is left of me.

I was near the stop when the bus arrived and if I had run, I had good chances of catching it. However, the figure that came down from the bus had disorganized my thoughts. She was walking towards my direction and she only noticed my presence when I was only a few steps away from her. Her gaze met mine and I couldn't move for we stared into each other's eyes, as if the whole universe were in our orbs. The bus had left but I wasn't able to take a step further.

Dahyun always had this effect – she would make time frozen still.

"You're leaving tonight?" she broke the silence between the two of us.

"Yes," I managed to answer.

"I guess it would be difficult for us to see each other again," Dahyun beamed and I thought that it was sadness that was reflected on her lips or perhaps, that was another wishful thinking of mine.

"I'm not really good at saying goodbyes," she said when I only stared at her in silence.

"Me too," I forced a smile for suddenly, the memories of us parting at the airport back in the Philippines were crashing down on me.

"Then... let's just do this," she started.

I was silently praying for her to refrain from making me relive the times we have spent together, but perhaps, this was how really Dahyun would say goodbye.

With a beam, she had suggested, "On the count of three, we turn our backs against each other. On another count of three, we walk away. We're not allowed to look back, okay?"

I nodded for I was afraid that if I spoke, she would hear my voice breaking. The lump in my throat was building. I could clearly remember this familiar scenario from back then, but this time, there was much more anguish building inside my chest.

"No cheating, okay?" Dahyun said and she breathed before beginning, "One, two and three."

She turned her back from me and I, too, did the same. She sighed audibly before she counted one and as I heard her take a step, I had also taken one. When she said two, I thought I heard her voice break, but I convinced myself that it was hallucination for I was a stranger to Dahyun right now. I started walking away as I fought the desire to be with her. However, when she counted three, I found myself halting my steps.

I shut my eyes tightly as tears brimmed. I chewed on my lip and cursed myself because I wanted to look back. A part of me was arguing that if I look back, it would just make me stay and I would only be hurt. The other part of me said that all I need is to see Dahyun walking away from me in order to believe that she was leaving my life and in order to convince myself that she was becoming a part of the past.

I succumbed to that part of me which wanted to see her back fading into the darkness of the night. I thought that maybe it was the closure that I need to fully move on.

I took a deep breath and then turned around.

I was engulfed in a moment of silence because what I saw was not her walking away from me. Instead, she was watching me leave. I realized that when Dahyun counted three, she took no more than one step away from me. It was me who made the distance between us.

"You're cheating," Dahyun burst the trance I was in, "You're not allowed to look back."

"You too," I argued back, "You did not walk away."

"Why are you still here?" Dahyun asked.

"Why are you still here?" I shot back.

"I don't know," she smiled but even if it was dim, I could definitely see that tears had started to cascade down her face and I couldn't understand why she was crying for me but the sight of her breaking added to my agony.

I could feel that my own tears were forming at the corner of my eyes. I swallowed the lump on my throat as I asked again, "Why are you still here?"

"I don't know," she repeated as she had started sobbing.

The part of me that wanted to leave was silenced by my heart as I closed the distance between us. I held her gaze as I changed the question, "Why are you crying?"

"I don't know," Dahyun answered again but by the way her eyes flickered, I knew that she was lying.

"Tell me the truth, please," I begged.

"I don't want to say anything that would make you stay," Dahyun cried, "I don't want to say anything that would hinder the freedom that you want."

"I promise that I would leave once I hear your reason," I convinced her, "Just tell me."

She bit her lower lip in order to prevent them from shaking. She sighed in order to calm herself down but it was no use for tears continued flowing down her cheeks.

She told me, "Because it feels like you're creating a void in me as you leave. It is as if you have always been a significant part of me – a part that I could not live without."

I was dumbfounded for a short while, trying to digest her words. When her statement finally sunk in, I laid my head on top of her shoulder and this seemed to surprise Dahyun. I felt her flinch a bit, but she didn't shrug me off. My hands reached for her arms as I held her in place and the tears that I have fought for long have finally won. The feelings that I was trying to conceal and kill were bursting.

I was crying because in front of me was the love that I deserve – the love that I would be willing to endure any intensity of pain, the love that I would fight for despite all the odds.