Sleeping Beauty

Chapter 18

America

It was like the world was new again. I could move despite the large amount of effort it took. My mouth could form words, finally. I could answer Shawn's questions.

"What school do you go to?"

"Jefferson," I answered.

"Hmm, I don't know where that is."

Then I explained to him how it was at the very end of the city. 

He asked me several more questions, all having to do with who I am. 

I sit there calmly with my knees drawn up to my chest and my hair hanging across my face. A small smile creaks across my lips.

Shawn whispers the next part, as if he's scared of what my answer might be. "Do you love me?"

Any trace of a smile is ripped away. I close my eyes and think for a minute. Then I try to go around the question. "So have you written any songs-"

He cuts me off. "I know you heard what I said."

I shake my head. "It's just, I don't know you."

The happiness that always seems to be sprayed across his face drips off until there is only a sad and hurt expression. Then he abruptly stands up out of his chair. He looks mad. " Then what have we been doing for the past hour?"

I look up at the clock that's across from my bed. It's been an hour. I thought it had been ten minutes. I try to calm him down. "I like you, Shawn. That's not the problem. I just don't know you enough to make a commitment like that."

Without warning, he leans over me and presses his lips to mine. I try my best to kiss him back, but it's just too...

awkward.

He pulls away and storms out of the room. 

Shawn was fragile and I hadn't realized it yet. 

Shawn

I shouldn't have blown up like that and I knew it, but I was too embarrassed to go back to see her again today. It was just too embarrassing.

She told me she didn't love me. I opened up to her and she shoved me away. I just couldn't understand how I had put so much faith into her and she hadn't put a single sliver into me. 

I picked up white roses, her favorite, on the way there the next day. I parked the car in the Emergency Care Unit and walked through the hallway and into the elevator. Maybe she would be more open today. I mean, it was possible she had just been having a bad day or had been intimidated by the fact that I had told her so quickly after she had woken up. I could understand that. Today, I'll go back and we'll talk and ask each other questions and when she's ready to be open about the idea of us, then we'll talk about that.

I walked down the hall and listened to my sneakers squeak against the ground. Today would be normal. Today would be enjoyable.

I peaked my head through the door, trying to be quiet in case she was sleeping. 

She wasn't sleeping.

There with her on her bed was a boy with blonde hair and tan skin. They were kissing and whispering words to each other that I couldn't hear. And even though I knew I should close the door and walk away like a sane person, I couldn't. Then I realized, he was the boy from the picture in her photo album, the one she was kissing. 

I quietly close the door behind me. 

My eyes closed and the thought of not breathing ever again seemed like a pretty good one at that moment.

America.

I cringed. It hurt to even think her name. The picture of her kissing him just kept popping up in my mind. This was wrong. This was not what was supposed to happen. 

I wanted her to be in love with me. 

I guess this boy had always been better than me. She had probably know in the back of her mind this whole time that she was going to continue to love him instead of me and the thought of my feelings never even occurred to her.

I find Dr. Allan at the main desk on the floor writing something down on the paper. I hand him the floweres.

He smiles. "For me? You shouldn't have."

I scratch the back of my neck, ignoring his sarcasm. "Could you give those to America in about twenty minutes?" Then it all burst out. "Listen, I can't volunteer here anymore. It's made me a mess. I can't handle it. I'm missing tours and concerts for her when she doesn't even care about me. I just need to get away, get away from here and from her."

He nods as if what I just said actually made sense. 

I end it with, "Tell her that I was going to give those to her myself, but when I walked in, she was sleeping. Tell her they're a goodbye present."

"Shawn," Dr. Allan speaks in a slow and understanding way, like a doctor should. "You don't have to do this-"

"My mind is already made up." I pull up my hood and slip on my sunglasses.

She had made her choice, and her choice wasn't me.  

That was the day I gave up on love and I will always regret it.