Vicious Memories

Chapter 33

We passed the early hours of the night together. Darkness was still in its infancy and the memory of sunlight wasn't yet too far away to grasp. The bonfire in the clearing flickered madly, reminding us of hot, lazy summer nights that we couldn't specifically recall.

Cooper probably dreaded sleep the most tonight out of all of us, and he joined us tentatively. Finn, Neema, Alice, Bev, Felix, Arun, Gabriel, and I welcomed him into our loose circle.

A cool breeze washed away the last remnants of that day's heat, while firelight did its best to hold the darkness at a safe distance. I thought I could smell salt in the air over the pungent swirl of smoke. We searched for something to say, something to hold onto, something to remind us that we were alive and wouldn't just disappear one day. Neema broke the silence first.

"I know the most about my past," she said, "and yet I wish I didn't. I was more at peace before I learned about it. It's like learning specific facts about the past makes it more real that I don't actually remember it."

She pulled her legs up to her chest and wrapped her wiry arms around them. Her scar shimmered in the firelight.

"My one memory has nothing to do with that file. Don't laugh, but apparently I wrote a book once - maybe more than one, who knows? But I wrote it on a typewriter, kept it old school. I would smoke cigarettes, and the night I finished the book the ashtray was overflowing. I typed those two words, 'The End', and it was better than sex. I picked up the manuscript, the thick stack of pages, and went downstairs. If I close my eyes now I can feel the way my carpet squished under my toes. I went right to the fridge and took out a piece of rich chocolate cake and ate it with my hands.

"Then I heard my four-year-old daughter coming down the stairs. I can't remember her name. She asked me why I was still awake and I told her I was celebrating. I put the manuscript in her hands and she gave me the sweetest little smile, shouted 'Yay!', and threw the entire thing in the air. Pages flew everywhere, but I wasn't angry. I just gathered her in my arms, kissed her hair, and blew raspberries on her cheeks until she was so out of breath she couldn't even squeal anymore. The rest fades to black, but I still think about that kid a lot. Would she be proud of the woman I've become on this island? Would she recognize me? Am I still her mother? Does she miss me?"

Neema looked up at all of us. The last echoes of her words faded under the crackle of logs in the fire.

Looking around the circle, I saw similar expressions of pain and uncertainty on my friends' faces as we all thought about our own memories. Felix's eyes were glistening, though I couldn't tell if it was from emotion or staring too hard into the fire. When I caught Neema's gaze I nodded at her; a thank you for sharing such a personal part of herself with us.

Neema looked to her right, where Finn sat. He ran a hand through his hair, playing with a twig he had picked up off the ground. Colors blurred and ran, the air shimmering with smoke, like we were taking a half-step out of our own world and into a shared dream.

"I was young," Finn said eventually. "Eighteen or nineteen. Had just finished my last final of freshman year. Damn, that was a good feeling, you know? Done with my last test, probably managed a B, knowing there was going to be a party that night. I was on cloud nine, already drunk from being so excited. There was this girl at the party. It was one of those things where you seem to get everything you want in life except for the one thing you want most. It was college, you know, so there were plenty of girls around, but there was this one that I couldn't get out of my head. She would laugh at my jokes but curse me out when I was being an idiot, or help me with our Econ homework and shake her head in disapproval when I skipped class.