Vicious Memories

Chapter 22 - Alice

Against my better judgement, I decided to stay with Finn for a while longer.

The caves had felt like home for as long as we had lived in them. The rock walls were our safety, the bumpy ground our stability, the half-open ceiling our freedom to dream of somewhere better. But now it had failed to keep the horrors of the island out for the second time.

None of us felt safe anymore.

"Thank you, Alice," Finn said at some point. "For staying."

"I'll find her," was all I said. "I promise."

This moment, right here, was almost more than I could bear. I had no idea what I was doing sitting in this part of the caves with Finn. I wanted to protect him, like I wanted to protect all the rest of them, but I had never wanted to get too close. So why was I here now?

Finn had demanded we go searching for Mads immediately. Several people had agreed, but Gabriel and Arun quickly squashed the movement. It was foolish to go searching in the darkness. Hurting ourselves wouldn't help Mads at all.

I thought about the poise with which Ollie had searched Mads's cave, the insights he'd gleaned, the way he took control of the situation with total confidence. I'd watched him grappling with the loss of his memory over the last two days and losing that battle. And yet...

And yet he had still delivered the reassurance everyone needed to hear - a direction to focus their efforts. I wished I could have delivered those words. I'd noticed everything he had. But I'd been unwilling to put the spotlight on myself.

Perhaps that's what had spurred me to stay with Finn tonight. Ollie's drive to get close to the rest of the villagers and help them had shaken things up here. Perhaps it had shaken me up, too. Perhaps it had shown me another way.

But maybe that was giving him too much credit.

I didn't need his example to grow as a person. This was something I'd wanted to be able to do for a long time. Nobody had decided to come and sit in this corner of the caves but me. Though, a small voice whispered, watching him inspire everyone else certainly hasn't hurt.

The unfortunate fact was that I still didn't trust him. Something was off. If he was being genuine, then his dedication to helping was something to be looked up to. The thought of that dedication, of his intensity, of the way he had looked at me through the flames of the bonfire last night, made my face feel hot and I turned away from Finn. Then I considered what I would have to do if he ultimately proved untrustworthy.

Thoughts for another time.

For now, there was someone to save, and I had to be the one to do it. I had to protect them all.

"Goodnight, Finn," I said, standing up. "I need to get some sleep. I'll be leading the search party at dawn."

"You will?"

I nodded.

A look of hope appeared on his face for a brief moment. "Thank you. Earlier you said you weren't sure if you were the best person for the job. I wasn't sure you'd do it."

"I'll do it."

For a moment it looked like he wanted to hug me in gratitude. The thought made me step back, my foundation memory flashing.

A chair. A parent. A hand lashing out. A declaration of love.

No.

I muttered another farewell and quickly exited Mads's sleeping nook.

"Thank you, Alice," Finn called after me.

My own quarters were at the far north end of the caves, the most secluded spot of them all, which was how I had wanted it. Once I was back, I settled down on top of my blankets and welcomed the cool night air on my skin.

For all of Finn's bravado, tonight's events had proved that he was just as fragile as the rest of the village, a glass figurine waiting to be shattered by the terrors of the island. And so was I.

In the end I was still glad I had stayed with him.

I studied the way the starlight filtered into my cave. It dragged playful white fingers over the fresh flowers I'd lined up against the back wall - pale blue, creamy orange, sullen yellow.

Flowers are beautiful things, I thought, my eyelids drooping. Nobody asked more of a flower than it was willing to give.