Vicious Memories

Chapter 75

Alice sat at Arun's desk, her elbows planted on the wood plank, hands grasping either side of her head. She muttered to herself in a steady and unintelligible stream.

I hesitated at the entryway, teetering on the edge of its dark and muggy interior, unsure what would happen if I crossed the threshold and gave my suspicions a voice. For all the time and effort I'd expended trying to solve this mystery I'd never though much about what would happen after it was over.

What if what came next was just more of the same? What if the rest of my life was destined to be spent stuck on this island, struggling every day to survive, to find meaning in life, marooned in place and time and destined never to recover my memories?

That thought was almost worse than spending my days engulfed in a race to save my friends from death. At least that was morbidly exciting. Monotony might not be worth living if I didn't have a reason to go on.

"Hey." I walked inside.

"I thought you were going to wait in the doorway forever."

Of course she'd noticed me outside - she could sense a rabbit from across the jungle. "I was just thinking," I said, smiling slightly, enjoying the warmth of her presence, "I have to tell you something."

"Is it going to help me put together a plan to save the village in the next forty-five minutes?"

"Well, no. Not really."

The dark circles that had infected Gabriel and Arun now circled the lower half of her eyes. She smiled sadly.

"This is why I didn't want to be Fist," she said. "I don't do well under pressure. The fear is crippling."

"What?" I pulled out a chair on the near side of the desk. "You don't do well under pressure? You can't really think that."

"It's true and you know it. I didn't stop the murders, I didn't catch Felix, and I certainly can't come up with a plan to defend the village from the Strangers. I don't think I was an army general in my past life."

"No." I shook my head firmly. "I don't think you were. But Gabriel put you in this position because he didn't want to waste time on an election he knew would end the same way. You're the one people turn to when they need to feel safe, you're the one who fought Felix off in the middle of the night, and you're the one who sprinted into the jungle to try to catch Shana's killer without a second thought. You're also the person I would put my faith in if I knew my life was going to be on the line."

Alice looked at the far wall of the cabin and wiped her nose with the back of one hand. She laughed softly, then sniffed.

"You're saying that to make me feel better. I know I'm not up to this."

I reached across the desk impulsively, grabbing one of her hands. "Sometimes we don't let ourselves believe we're strong enough to do what we have to. Sometimes we're right. Especially on this island, we're usually right. But there's no alternative, because even if we aren't as capable as we want to be, we're the most capable option we have. If Arun thought somebody was better suited for this, don't you think he would have asked them instead of you? He doesn't really play favorites."

Alice's hand twitched in mine. Outside, the afternoon continued to tick forward, nearing three o'clock, but the sunshine failed to penetrate the darkness inside the cabin's thick walls.

Alice wiped her nose with her free hand again.

"As pep talks go, that one was pretty good," she said. "'You're not great, per se, but you're the best we've got.' That it?"

"More or less. Emphasis on 'best', though."

"Well—" she pulled her hand back, eyes steady, "—thank you. I mean it." She rolled her shoulders to loosen them up, then tucked her hair back behind her ears. "We don't have long to come up with a plan if we're really going to stay in the village."

With the rest of the village waiting and time running short, I decided to leave the reason I had come in here unsaid. Without a good plan to present to the others, things would devolve quickly and panic would set in. Besides, all I had right now was a hunch, based off of a look given in the jungle by a man who was supposed to be our enemy. My stomach clenched with barely controlled nausea. I would have to continue my investigation as soon as we finished here - then I would tell Alice.

"Okay." I stood up and began to pace. "Fuck the Strangers. If they want a fight, they'll get a fight. Let's figure this out."